Bad Movie Quote

"You're the mayor of Spring Break, and she's one-bonnet-shy-Amish!" 

-Alexa in From Justin to Kelly

MST3K Quote

"I know, I'll write for help!"

-from the riffing of The Atomic Brain

Bad Movie Quote

"I am bugged beyond recall!"

-King Invader from The Rebel Set

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!"

-MST3K robots begging Cabot to kill his annoying sidekick

Bad Movie Quote

"Cabot!"

-Watney Smith from The Outlaw of Gor

Movies They'd Like To Forget: Junior High School

Before she made a splash as a choreographer and singer, Paula Abdul made a little film with other unknown Van Nuys High School students- Junior High School.

Trotted out whenever a "Before They Were Stars" segment is produced, the no-budget film features an oddly uncoordinated Paula stomping around and tunelessly singing songs that American Idol would reject. For 40 minutes, Ms. Abdul and friends teach us important lessons like what to do if a particular young man happened to kiss you. (Apparently the answer is "die". Metaphorically speaking, perhaps?) Hunt around on the internet long enough and you'll happen upon a Blu-Ray release, complete with a limited edition soundtrack. It's the package Paula Abdul doesn't want you to see!

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Al Pacino Edition

He's been hailed as a master of acting; a true professional who has won just about every award that can possibly be won in Hollywood. He has starred in some of the greatest films ever made and has rightfully earned his stellar reputation. So with all that said, what the hell was Al Pacino doing in Gigli?

Bad Movie Quote

"Oh, we thank you so much for this beautiful benefit. Thank you to all of our neighbors and our friends and Ted, we're sorry. I was looking at Pappy with that tail on his hat and I thought about a song that I wrote just for him and the cleaning lady..." 

- Harriet from Howling: New Moon Rising

Bad Movie Quote

"I'm not a big fat panda. I'm THE big fat panda!"

-Character from Kung Fu Panda

Bad Movie Quote

"You have great tits. They're really beautiful!"

-Cristal Connery's in Showgirls

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"Is there a slower mo available?"

-Tom Servo from the riffing of  Soultaker

Bad Movie Quote

"He's no Goodfella- he's a BADfella!"

-A Character in Dreamworks' Bee Movie

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Pat Buttram Edition

It's hard to fault a down on his luck Hollywood legend for taking a quick paycheck by starring in a quickie jiggle-Fest film. The film Angel's Revenge (or Angel's Brigade... Or Five From Heaven) had tons of them doing just that. With so many to choose from, we are certain to feature this film in future posts, but today let's focus on Pat Buttram.

Best known for his role in Green Acres, Pat's career was running on fumes (and Love Boat appearances) by the late 1970's. Obviously taking every role that came his way, Mr. Buttram appears in Angel's Revenge as a bumbling, unnamed car salesman who leers at the titular Angels who are young enough to be his granddaughters. He gets through his scene like a pro, however, easily out acting the young ladies who were obviously not chosen for their acting skills. Mr. Buttram would eventually have a career resurgence as a prolific voice actor. 

Bad Movie Quote

"You want me to get the broads who hit us?"

-Jack Palance in Angel's Revenge

Blind Kiyomi Newsbrief

Zac Efron wowed the crowd at the MTV Movie Awards by taking his top off. Just like Sir Laurence Olivier. Seriously, though, Lindsay Lohan was angered at the spectacle because the last time she took her top off in public, she got arrested.

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Linda Evans Edition

Long before she hit television's A-List in the 1980's mega-hit Dynasty, Linda Evans was slumming it as a two-bit whore who is hired to bang Joe Don Baker in the 1975 film Mitchell. In a cringe inducing segment, she "makes love" with the hulking Mitchell and unbelievably chooses to engage in a second unpaid encounter. That's certainly what I would call paying her dues.

Bad Movie Quote

"Led Zeppelin was wrong, man. There is no stairway to heaven."

-Brad from Soultaker

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"You think he likes ham?!? Wait until you see me like ham!!!"

-MST3K riffing of Devil Doll

Bad Movie Quotes

"I had a pretty mind!!! Oh God, I wish I had my pretty mind back!!!"

-Joanie Nichols in Girl in Gold Boots

Bad Movie Quote

"She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze."

-Brian from Gigli

Blind Kiyomi No Name Hall of Fame- "Toothless Gambler"

Our next inductee into the Blind Kiyomi No Name Hall of Fame comes to us from the Eddie Murphy film Harlem Nights- the immortal "Toothless Gambler" played by Ji-Tu Cumbuka.

Gambling in the old, tawdry "Ray's Place", the Toothless Gambler objects to the presence of young Quick. (who would grow up to be played by Eddie Murphy) Insisting that kids bring him bad luck, he demands that Ray make Quick leave. When Ray refuses, he accepts the decision but threatens to cut everyone in the room if he throws craps. He does, so he flies into a rage and demands that everyone give him their money or he'll kill them all. Ray frantically reaches for his gun, only to discover that little Quick has grabbed it and without hesitation, shoots toothless gambler right between the eyes, thus beginning Quick's career at Ray's Place.

While only occupying the screen for a few minutes, the Toothless Gambler makes an impression with his hilariously profane language and extreme hatred of kids.  He sets up what type of movie we're about to see and gives us a few laughs while doing it.

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Bill Cosby

Leonard Part 6. Bill Cosby. Spaghetti. Need we say more?

Blind Kiyomi Newsbrief

Sarah Jessica Parker's uncle passed away last night. Seen here in a scene with actor Ian McKellan, he starred in some of the most successful films ever made.

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: George Burns Edition

George Burns was truly a legendary entertainer, the type who will always be remembered, though hopefully not for this film:

There he is, dancing alongside an extremely poor man's version of The Beatles in the disco area monstrosity Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. (And under a gigantic cheeseburger for some reason.) Easily the classiest thing in a film of seemingly unrelated visuals and poor disco orchestrations, Mr. Burns hopefully got a huge check out of this one.

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"You've spent your nickel, we're done!"

-Tom Servo from the riffing of A Day at the Fair

Bad Movie Quote

"Lord have mercy! I gotta tend to mah fires!"

-Old Man Crenshaw from Boggy Creek II: The Legend Continues

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Carol Channing Edition

Nobody leaves Skidoo with his or her dignity intact. Nobody more so than poor Carol Channing. There are so many embarrassing moments experienced by so many Hollywood legends, but one stands out from the others- Carol Channing's striptease. This isn't a young Carol, it's the Carol you've never dreamed you'd ever see do a striptease. (Or ever wanted to see do a striptease for that matter.) Trust us, a few seconds of seeing granny prance around in her undies will make you wish you were blind.

Random MST3K Quote

"The order comes in... Kill Willy!"

-Tom Servo during the MST3K riffing of Gorgo

Bad Movie Quotes

"I don't believe in monsters because monsters don't exist, it did not inhabit my body, I did not become a fish!" 

-Character in Magic On The Water

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes

“… Whenever Ed Wood was reported to be filming anywhere, an entourage of Hollywood’s “Who’s Who” would descend upon the scene, eager to learn from a true master. Ed was leery of the attention and would often retreat to his trailer to go over the huge budget he was given by the Studio to make the film…”