Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.”

-Roger Ebert about Freddy Got Fingered

Hollywood Math: Burt Reynolds Edition

Burt Reynolds + Dom DeLuise + Chimpanzee/Orangutan + Fast Car + Titty Woman = Box Office Success!!!

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"The devil made this movie for you!"

-Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of The Wild World of Batwoman

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"Where are my tits? Where are my tits?!?"

-Myron Breckinridge from the movie Myra Breckinridge

That Guy: Chris Latta

The Internet Movie Database and Wikipedia sure are some amazing resources. Before the so-called “internet” came around, we had to just live with the idea that we might never know whether “That Guy” we just saw in a movie was someone we’d seen before in a different movie. Now, such useless information is at our fingertips and that’s just what we plan to focus on in this new feature.

Our first featured “That Guy” is from the Patrick Swayze classic Road House. When Patrick Swayze first arrives at the downtrodden Double Deuce bar and before he gets the chance to show everyone that it truly is “His way or the highway”, all hell breaks loose inside the bar nightly. Folks start huge fights, advertise “Great Buicks” and revel in sleaze and impropriety. And nobody was sleazier or more improper than a character who is listed in the credits as “Sharing Husband”.

“Sharing Husband” offers up his wife’s breasts to anyone with $20, and she’s a willing participant. This sleazy and sad enterprise is shown being taken advantage of in the movie, as a gentleman “sizes up the goods” before letting the world’s worst husband know that he doesn’t have $20 to pay them. Of course, both Mr. Sleazeball and his wife are offended at this guy’s bad manners. Everyone knows that it is bad manners to take a sample if you cannot afford to pay for the product itself. (At this point, it is only natural for viewers of Road House to want to run to the nearest shower and wash off the sleaze and grime that occurs from witnessing such depravity.)

So who is “That Guy”? He’s the late Chris Latta, who besides starring onMarried… with Children (Big surprise there) was also the original voice of both Mr. Burns and Moe the Bartender from The Simpsons!!! Wrap your brain around that one folks. While it probably wouldn’t be a surprise to see such boorish behavior in Moe’s Tavern (or even perpetrated by Moe himself) it is a bit of a shock to know that Mr. Burns’ voice was originally provided by the guy who played the sleaziest customer at the bar in Road House. Mr. Latta was eventually replaced by Hank Azaria as Moe’s voice and by Harry Shearer as Mr. Burns’ voice. In 1994, he passed away of unknown causes, but his legacy lives on, as Harry Shearer has acknowledged that he merely copied Mr. Latta’s distinctive interpretation of Mr. Burns for his own voice-over work as the character. So we salute Mr. Latta, for originating the voices of two of the funniest Simpsons characters, and giving sleazy barflies who pimp out their wives a role model to look up to.

Really Bad Ideas: Toby Tonka

With Sony Pictures and Adam Sandler seriously developing a film based on Tonka Trucks, it seems as though Hollywood originality has hit a new low. However I might feel about the film, I am nothing if not helpful (but mostly desperate to break into the biz) so here’s my idea for the film. Interested in this blockbuster idea, Mr. Sandler? Have your people call my people!

“Toby Tonka”

Toby Tonka (Adam Sandler) always wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and run the family construction business. He gets his chance after his father’s untimely death. “Tonka Construction” is left to Toby to manage. Its signature yellow trucks are an icon and the company itself is a huge locally owned business that pays all of its employees a fair wage.

Other than running the company, Toby wants nothing more than to marry the girl of his dreams- Tonka Construction Office Manager Daisy Bright. (Drew Barrymore) He also delights in providing a nice living for his faithful employees who are also his buddies. (Jon Lovitz, Norm MacDonald, Kevin Nealon, Bill Hader and Keenan Thompson among others.)

But HugeRapeCo comes to town with bigger trucks & a ruthless CEO (David Spade) with a Napoleon complex. Slowly but surely he and his big city minions (Christopher McDonald, Peter Gallagher & John Turturro) take business away from Tonka Construction by illegally undercutting them in the bidding process.

An eccentric billionaire (Steve Buscemi) plans on building a huge theme park in town and to HugeRapeCo’s chagrin, he picks Tonka Construction to be the head contractor. HugeRapeCo then proceeds to damage Tonka’s reputation with a fake controversy in which over billing is alleged.

Toby decides to just pack it in and sell out to HugeRapeCo. Expecting Daisy to be onboard with his decision, instead she calls off the wedding plans, calling him a greedy quitter. With the help of a senile old lady (Cloris Leachman) and the “You Can Do It!” Guy (Rob Schneider) Toby decides to fight the allegations and lobbies both the governor (Alec Baldwin) & the eccentric billionaire to help him prove HugeRapeCo is lying.

During the heavily publicized trial, Daisy finds evidence exonerating Tonka Construction & condemning HugeRapeCo. The governor dissolves all HugeRapeCo contracts & awards them to Tonka construction. We then see Toby & Daisy triumphantly marrying at the grand opening of the theme park while the eccentric billionaire sings “Deja Vu” & winks at the camera.

THE END

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Rock Hudson Edition

"... Rock gained a well earned reputation for being a skirt chasing lothario on the sets of his many movies. 'He tried to bed as many women as he could get,' noted an anonymous source, 'He was fond of saying 'I don't care how she looks like as long as she has tits and a slit.' It really bothered the ladies on the set.' The lecherous actor often lost roles due to his insatiable lust for women... "