Rest in Peace, Richard Kiel

"Watch out for snakes!"

Retirement Home Yearbook Picture or "The Phynx" cast photo?

Bad Movie Quotes

"You made Mrs. March feel like she could see again. You made Ford believe he was part of something. You give out hope like it was candy in your pocket."

-Abby from The Postman

Bad Movie Quotes

"That's a lot of fish!"

-Godzilla

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Well, she was gonna smell like a beer sooner or later."

-MST3K

MST3K Quote Weekends

"If we don't get a volunteer, you're all gonna have to see my can!" 

-Crow

"I feel like a cheeseburger. Would you go make love to the guy at the Jack-in-the-Box?"

"Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?"

"Can't Stop the Music"

"Obviously the best person to make our 'today' picture for the youth who love the disco music is Nancy Walker."

Bad Movie Quote

"Corporate thinking sucks!"

-Helen from Can't Stop the Music

"Xanadu"

"The songs are finished? Good. Who cares about the script, let's start shooting!"

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Kids come running for the great taste of Sampo!"

-Joel

MST3K Quote Weekends

"I don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?"

-Tom Servo

Random Quote

"Good luck. We're all counting on you."

"Can't Stop the Music"

Um, no.

Bad Movie Quote

"While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!"

-Terl from Battlefield Earth

Bad Movie Quote

"Because I haven't seen it. And I've sailed further than most men have dreamed."

-The Mariner from Waterworld

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Well, she was gonna smell like a beer sooner or later."

-Tom Servo

MST3K Quote Weekend

"Mister B, what would *you* know about dignity?"

-Joel Robinson

Bad Movie Quote

"Hey, you dig! I mean like the vibrations are there, dewdrop. You know I really think we could make it, you and I. I really feel we could make it."

-"Stash" from the movie Skidoo

Rest in Peace, Lauren Bacall

"Imagination is the highest kite one can fly."

-Lauren Bacall

Rest in Peace, Arlene Martel

Rest in Peace, Arlene Martel- Twilight Zone & Star Trek legend.

Truly, there is 'room for one more' in heaven.

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams

Robin Williams always stood out from the crowd. Was he hyper? Manic? Whatever it was, it was always magic. Mr. Williams always seemed to know how to make the world laugh, though there was always an undercurrent of seriousness in everything he did. While he got his start on ABC's goofy Mork and Mindy, it was his dramedy films for Disney's Touchstone Pictures that showed he could tackle the more serious roles that came his way. In Good Morning Vietnam and Dead Poets Society he proved that he could do much more than just make us laugh, though he wouldn't earn an Academy Award until 1998's Good Will Hunting, a film released by Disney's Miramax Films division.

In 2009, Robin received the coveted Disney Legends award. Even if the aforementioned films were all he had done for Disney his honor would have been well earned, but Robin also brought to life the liveliest cartoon character who ever graced the silver screen- The beloved Genie from Aladdin.

Hopefully Mr. Williams has found the peace and joy he provided to his many fans. The world will certainly miss one of its funniest clowns.

Bad Movie Quote

"We've got a saying on my planet. If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have taken away our wings!"

-Howard the Duck

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Saaaaaaaaay......."

-Joel Robinson

MST3K Quote Weekends

"This isn't Baker's Square."

-Dead Talk Back

Bad Movie Quote

"Oh, you guys are always thinking about that!"

-Sarah from Curse of the Screaming Dead

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Yeah, Gene, we don't know what's going on here either....

"Puma-Man! He flies like a moron!"

Bad Movie Quote

"You cannot escape me! You can no longer jump into space! Because you are made of earth! And to earth, you shall return!"

-Kobras from Puma-Man

Bad Movie Quote

"You don't understand anything, man. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!"

-Mark from The Room

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Good god I'm ugly. Scared my own children out of the nursery today."

-Crow T. Robot

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Dear Penthouse Forum, I am an average stuffed animal at a small midwestern college..."

-Tom Servo

Bad Movie Quote

"Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom."

-Dr. Freeze from Batman & Robin

Bad Movie Quote

"Watch out for snakes!"

-Eegah

Bad Movie Quote

"One thing's sure: Inspector Clay is dead... murdered! And somebody's responsible!" 

 -Lt. Harper in Plan 9 From Outer Space

Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."

-Roger Ebert, talking about Freddy Got Fingered

Bad Movie Quotes

"I see you've been promoted from Yak Boy to Mop Boy."

-Buzz from Girl in Gold Boots

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Accusingly yours, Jimmy."

-Tom Servo

MST3K Quote Weekends

"The Pizza Dominatrix!"

-Crow T. Robot

Bad Movie Quotes

"There's a trashy novel written on every line of her face."

-Critter in Girl in Gold Boots

"I'll offer to park cars. For charity."

Happy Batman Day!

Happy 75th to the greatest superhero ever created!

Really Bad Ideas - "Skidoo"

"Crazy LSD trips? Bizarre psychedelic montages? That sure sounds like a dignified way to end your career, Groucho!"

Random Bad Movie Quote

"Pappy, there's dirt in your chili!"

-Running "Gag" in Howling: New Moon Rising

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?"

-Crow T. Robot

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Yeah, sure, you control me. Right... I'll be home crushing your house!"

-From the MST3K riffing of Godzilla vs. Megalon

Mega-Misfires: "Antz"

"Let's steal Pixar's good idea and make a crappy looking CGI film that's unique because we put a Z instead of an S in the name."

Happy Birthday DISNEYLAND!

Mega Mis-Fires: "When Time Ran Out"

"We have a Polynesian role available. Get Eddie Albert's son on the phone, STAT!"

Get Your Tickets Here! Get Your Tickets Here!

"That's some old fashioned nightmare fuel right there."

Beyond Belief: Creeping Terror

Yeah, that's not a mangy, dust ridden old carpet from the director's basement- it's THE CREEPING TERROR!

MST3K Quote Weekends

(after a young man gets "assaulted" by a gang of hot young ladies.)

Crow: Man Refuses to Press Charges!

Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"

Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!

-from MST3K riffing of The Violent Years

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Herve Villechaize's death car!"

-From the MST3K riffing of Space Mutiny

Beyond Belief: Space Mutiny

There's much that's beyond belief in this picture- the Santa stand-in ogling the poodle haired bleach blonded vixen, the Jane Fonda video refugee staring down at what seems to be nothing at all, the Gene Simmons and Rutger Hauer look-alikes carefully studying "science". It's a lot of strangeness for just one picture. But the strangest thing that happens in Space Mutiny is surprisingly none of the aforementioned things. It's that Lady Gene Simmons gets murdered and yet through the wonders of bad continuity, is shown as being alive a few scenes later. At least the writers of Space Mutiny can blame bad editing and not bad science for their beyond belief moment.

Beyond Belief: MegaFault

In the crazy world of the SyFy channel, it is apparently possible to outrun a "MegaQuake". Or at least a cheesy CGI simulation of one.

Beyond Belief: Airport '79

Defying all the laws of science and common sense, Captain Joe Patroni opens up a Concorde's cockpit window and shoots a flare to evade a missle "accidentally" aimed at his aircraft. Accepting the "fact" that a cockpit window on the freaking Concorde is able to be opened, how does Mr. Patroni manage to accomplish this task without his arm getting torn off? And that's the least of the problems with this scene as shown below:

I guess, as Mr. Patroni crudely states moments earlier, that's why "they don't call it the cockpit for nothin', honey!"

MST3K: Space Mutiny

"I hate it when the chaperones try to dance!"

Mega Mis-Fires: "The Phynx"

"We give up. We don't know what you young people want to see, so here's a film with a 'mod' cast and a bunch of out of work actors and actresses who everyone thought was dead. You figure it out!"

(No, it's not the Actor's retirement home or a wax museum...)

MST3K Quote Weekends

"...'Mitchell'... Even his NAME says 'Is that a beer?'..."

-Joel from the MST3K riffing of Mitchell

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Want this on your Klan account?"

-Mike from the MST3K riffing of Boggy Creek 2: The Legend Continues

Happy U.S. Independence Day!

Blind Kiyomi Newsbrief

With rumors that a Hocus Pocus sequel is in the works, Hollywood is wondering whether Sarah Jessica Parker will be galloping back to reprise her role. While some insist that she's ready to hit the starting gate, others say her fans should hold their horses until an official statement is made. Insiders say that Disney is willing to pony up whatever it takes to get her back since she was the glue who held everything together in the first film.

Snuff: The Reality Show

Snuff: The Reality Show

Coming this Fall on FOX! Meet the 12 new contestants who will leave their normal lives behind to compete on the mysterious “Isla de la Muerte.” The master of the Island is the enigmatic Satahn, who along with the beautiful Mansonesque Satahn-ettes, leads the competitors on a wild bunch of adventurous and bizarre competitions. Unfortunately, the three competitors who finish last each week must attend the “Vida Es Muerte” Elimination challenge, officiated by Satahn’s minion, known only as “The Vida es Muerte” guy. His catchphrase of “You’ve been Snuffed” will end the game for one unlucky person and become a national craze, making it onto bumper stickers, T-Shirts and plush dolls.

Snuff: The Reality Show- The Reality Show that could only be on FOX- Where dignity is cheap!

Mis-Fires: Postal

"Let's give Uwe Boll money to make a film with hot chicks, but the only naked person featured is David Foley."

Blind Kiyomi NewsBrief

Kim Cattrall, seen here supporting her 'Sex & the City' co-star Sarah Jessica Parker's newest film at its premiere, is heartbroken at the death of her Mannequin co-star Meshach Taylor.

MST3K Quote Weekends

"TGI DIE-Day!"

-Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of Outlaw of Gor

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Gee, she's sleeping her way to the bottom!"

-Tom Servo, from the MST3K riffing of Outlaw of Gor

Bad Movie Quote

"You already know enough about me. Any more and you're going to get a headache."

-Kira from Xanadu

Mega Mis-Fires: Myra Breckinridge

"Um, a geriatric woman spouting smutty one liners? A fey, prissy leading man? An unintelligible script? Even Raquel Welch's tits can't save this disaster. At least it's a 'today' picture."

Rest in Peace, Eli Wallach

"What is it, my smell or something? Hey, fish-ass! You forgot your jukebox!"

Mega Mis-Fires: Alien From L.A.

"Let's cast a smoking hot model in our adventure film, making sure to dress her as dowdily as possible until the very end when she finally shows some skin."

Mega Mis-Fires: Cleopatra

"Let's make a talky five hour plus costume drama with a skittish actress who is prone to getting 'sick' and wasting studio resources while she 'recuperates'. What could go wrong?"

MST3K Quote Weekends

"He's wearing a denim housedress!"

-From the MST3K riffing of Devil Doll

MST3K Quote Weekends

"You delightful boozed up old broad!"

-Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of Devil Doll

Bad Movie Quotes

"You walk into a place like that & girls just want you. You know, you got that kind of face. Kind of mean looking, but with character. And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body. Did you ever hear of a big sports car?"

-Lyle Rogers in Ishtar

Bad Movie Quotes

"Well, I'll be damned. It's the gentleman guppy. You know, he's like a turd that won't flush."

-Guppy from Waterworld

The Waterworld Stunt Show

Many great films have never had attractions or shows made after them. Yet Waterworld has a show based on it at Universal Studios Hollywood.

Bad Movie Quotes

"There're three possibilities. The first and most likely is that it died in the crash. The second and less likely is that it is injured very badly and still contained. The third and least likely is that it is out. We will proceed, however, in anticipation of the worst-case scenario. Every movement will be under protocol Escape and Evade. If he's out there... I will see him long before he gets anywhere near you. Do you understand?"

-Cypher Raige from After Earth

Stupid Celebrity Quotes

"I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad."

-Justin Bieber

MST3K Quote Weekends

"He does look like an easy target for thugs. Hell, I'd like to beat him up." 

-Crow from the MST3K riffing of The Girl in Lover's Lane

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Meanwhile, in another movie? Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!" 

-Crow in the MST3K riffing of Pod People

Bad Movie Quote

"I always wanted to be a milkshake."

-Lincoln Hawk, Over The Top

Mega Mis-Fires: Battlefield Earth

Let's take a lousy book written by a shady nutcase and make it into a movie starring a past his prime actor who is doing this only as a vanity project!"

Random Quote

Ed Wood: What, if you put it in a movie, will make it a big hit?

George Weiss: Tits?

-From the movie Ed Wood

Stupid Celebrity Quotes

"I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa." 

-Britney Spears

Gritty Movie Versions of Children's Books Nobody Wants a To See

Where the Unemployment Checks End

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Manson! 

Run-over Ralph 

Oh the Johns You’ll Blow! 

Charlie and the Great Glass Coffin 

Ramona and Diabeetus 

Encyclopedia Brown & the Case of the Murdered Prostitute

Judy Moody & the Bummer Summer

MST3K Quote Weekends

Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.

Crow: That purse will be the death of him!

-From the MST3K riffing of Eegah

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!"

-Crow T. Robot

Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

"Some of the acting is better than the film deserves. Make that all of the acting. Actually, the film stock itself is better than the film deserves. You know when sometimes a film catches fire inside a projector? If it happened with this one, I suspect the audience might cheer."

-Roger Ebert, discussing Revolver

Bad Movie Quote

"Dead? No, madam. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always."

-Torgo from Manos: the Hands of Fate

Blind Kiyomi No Name Hall of Fame: Ya Dumb Broad

Credited only under the line he yells out the window, Rick Seaman nonetheless makes a big impression. In Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Hero Frank Drebin commandeers a vehicle so that he can chase after a suspect. Unfortunately for him, he has stumbled into a car driven by a teen driving student.

Under the patient guidance of her driving instructor, the young lady drives the wrong way down a one way street, coming upon a truck driver played by Mr. Seaman who shouts the classic line "Ya dumb broad!" (Which is how he's credited in the film.)

Years later, Mr. Seaman's classic line is still recited by fans of the movie and remains one of the funniest parts of a very funny film. For that, we induct him into our No Name Hall of Fame.

Mega Mis-Fires: Good Luck Chuck

"Let's flush more of the studio's money down the toilet! Get us Dane Cook!"

Mega Mis-Fires: Jack and Jill

"Adam Sandler's man-boy schtick is wearing thin, so let's make him play two annoying characters instead of just one!"

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Calgon, take me to my grave!"

-Cinematic Titanic

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Tonight Norman will be forcing those ladies to put the lotion in the basket."

-Rifftrax

Mega Mis-Fires: Town & Country

"Let's flush $80 Million down the toilet in a talky mess of a movie with no discernible evidence as to why a film without special effects cost $80 Million!"

#straight2DVD

#straight2DVD

“Driving Miss Daisy: With a Vengeance”

“Bucket List 2: Electric Boogaloo”

“Honey, I Forgot The Grandkids”

“Sandlot 3: Steroid Testing”

“National Lampoon’s Staycation”

“Retirement Home Musical”

“Cocoon 3: Anything Goes”

Mega Mis-Fires: Skidoo

"Let's get an aging director and a cast of geriatrics to star in a movie that's supposed to appeal to today's youths. Oh- and make Carol Channing do a striptease. That'll get them into the theaters!"

Mega Mis-Fires: The Postman

"His last post-apocalyptic themed film was a huge disaster at the box office, so why not greenlight another one? Kevin Costner's project is approved."

Happy Memorial Day

According to the conclusion of I Accuse My Parents, it was shown to American troops for free. Just another sacrifice made by our troops!

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Tell me again why they have an elaborate security system, but they don't *lock* anything?!"

 -Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of Hobgoblins

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Oh, I know what this is, this is an 'I can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits' cast list!"

-Tom Servo from the MST3K riffing of The Skydivers

Bad Movie Quote

"What is that? What is that I hear? Where's it coming from? I hear a siren, but I don't see any fire, I don't see any smoke. Whenever there's a siren, it means there's a fire, but I don't see any smoke. That siren. Where is it coming from? Where's that sound coming from?"

-Santa in Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Mega Mis-Fires: At Long Last Love

"We're filming a lavish movie musical where our stars will need to have strong voices. Get Cybill Shepherd, Burt Reynolds and Eileen Brennan on the phone immediately!"

Bad Movie Quote

"Fat people like you should be ground into dog food!"

-Matt in Impulse

Rifftrax Quote

"Just a minute! I'm putting the lotion in the basket."

-from the Rifftrax riffing of The Creeps Machine

Movies They'd Like to Forget: Steve Martin Edition

It couldn't have possibly seemed like a good idea, could it? Take a bunch of mostly unrelated Beatles songs, get the BeeGees and Peter Frampton to sing most of them, then fashion it all into a barely coherent film. Crazy, right? Well Robert Stigwood didn't think so. Fresh off the success of mega-hits Grease and Saturday Night Fever, he must have thought he was invincible. So why not hire the biggest band of the 1970's and have them perform disco versions of the songs from biggest band of the 1960's? All in an over produced film with a ridiculous script?

We've mentioned the film before, but today we'll highlight a particularly bizarre scene- the Maxwell's Silver Hammer sequence. The classic Beatles song tells about a young man who becomes a serial killer of sorts. In this film, however, Steve Martin's Maxwell is a demented doctor who sings about himself while dancing around with people dressed like a Boy Scout troop. Make sense? Not really, but Steve Martin singing a Beatles song isn't the most bizarre thing about the film. And that says a lot.

MST3K Sunday Quote

"Mmm, Floor vegetables!"

-From Rifftrax

Bad Movie Quote

"These aren't kids! They're morons!"

-Detective from The Violent Years

Bad Movie Quote

"Let's see him dance for his organ grinder now!" 

-Colonel Davis in A*P*E

Bad Movie Quotes

"Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!"

-Mark from The Room

Major Mis-Fires: My Best Friend's Girl

"His movies have lost more money than the GDP of many countries, but certainly this one will be the exception! Another greenlight for Dane Cook!"

Minor Mis-Fires: The Room

"I can't act, write or direct and I look like death warmed over. I know nothing about promoting a movie or what might attract ticket buyers. So let's put my dead-eyed picture on a billboard and see what happens!"

Mega Mis-Fires: Sextette

"Why of course people want to see a woman in her eighties gallivant around like a common whore! Where could we go wrong financing a movie in which a great-grandmotherly woman has implied sex with guy after guy?"

MST3K Sunday Quote

"She's the kind of girl you bring home to meet Mother, if Mother's a cigaretty retired hooker."

-Tom Servo during the MST3K riffing of Hobgoblins

MST3K Quote

"ACT-ing!"

Bad Movie Quote

"I'm the girl that works at Paramount all day, and Fox all night." 

 -Marlo Manners from Sextette

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Mae West Edition

We now re-visit another classic misfire- Myra Breckinridge. Many people forget that the legendary Mae West retired from Hollywood fairly early in her career. Hamstrung by the Hayes Code which put a damper on her ribald jokes and smutty entendres, Mae West chose to quit making pictures rather than conform to the prudish censorship office.

Flash forward to the 1960's. Free love and the collapse of the studio system brought new freedoms and a new rating system. By this time, Miss West was intrigued by the possibilities and was willing to come out of retirement for the right film. She thought that film would be Myra Breckinridge.

Mae went all out on this one, writing smutty one liners and even warbling bizarre versions of popular songs. Already a tacky mess, the film became even more of a slog when it stops to allow Miss West a chance to perform. Why a slutty old casting directress would prance around and sing at a night club is never explained and the audience is left worrying about whether Miss West will break a hip. It was an embarrassing comeback and the financially successful Mae West would wait another ten years to attempt another cinematic comeback in the equally scorned Sextette.

Bad Movie Quote

"Call me by my dream name. Call me!"

-Regan McNeil, from The Exorcist 2

Made Up Movie Taglines: "Admission"

Movie Taglines- made up by looking at the movie poster!

“She’s responsible for accepting thousands of high school seniors into college. But this Spring, she’ll accept a man into the most selective place ever- her heart.”

Bad Movie Quotes

"I never count my chickens till I've wrung their necks!" 

-Eddie Schultz from No Orchids for Miss Blandish

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"If knick-knacks ruled the world!"

-From the MST3K riffing of I Accuse My Parents

Movies They'd Like To Forget: Revenge of the Cheerleaders

Although he has starred in more embarrassing things since then, David Hasselhoff probably is still most embarrassed about this racy low budget sleazefest- Revenge of the Cheerleaders. He plays a horny character with the distinguished name of "Boner" who acts just as we'd expect such a character to act. Despite the depths to which Hasselhoff stoops in this film, he still manages to stay above the all time low of drunkenly eating a cheeseburger off the floor. (But not by much.)