Random Quote

"We have many Lisas, Marks, Dennys, Johnnys, and other characters from The Room in America and in the entire world." 

 -Tommy Wiseau

Bad Movie Quote

"You realize, once we cut it off, it won't grow back. I mean, it isn't like hair, or fingernails, or toenails, you know!"

-Doctor from Myra Breckinridge

When Time Ran Out.... Newman's Own was born!

The 1970's were a high time for disaster films and the king of disaster was producer Irwin Allen. Mr. Allen's The Poseidon Adventure ushered in a decade filled with films that put a list of hasbeen actors and up and coming stars in a plethora of peril. By the end of the decade, however, the world had enough of disasters and the genre was Hanging by a Thread. (Sorry about that, folks!) In any case, Mr. Allen was not about to let his favorite genre sink, so he even made a sequel to his first disaster opus- Beyond the Poseidon Adventure which promptly tanked at the box office.

Desperate to repeat his prior success, Irwin decided to go for broke and make the ultimate disaster film that he was certain would resurrect the genre- When Time Ran Out... Eager to cast a name, Irwin called Paul Newman, who wasn't the biggest star around, but could still be choosy about which roles he selected. Paul Newman hated the script, hated the genre and had no intention of taking the role. Irwin was persistent, however, and Paul later remarked that when Allen asked him how much money he wanted for the role, he came up with an outlandish sum that he was certain Irwin would reject. Of course, Allen willingly accepted it without question.

So it was a large sum of money that got Paul to star alongside former NFL player Alex Karras and past their prime stars like Burgess Meredith, Ernest Borgnine and Edward Albert, Jr. son of Eddie Albert, playing an unconvincing Polynesian. The movie was a disaster itself, firmly putting the lid on the disaster craze's coffin. It would be a mere footnote in Hollywood history were it not for that large check Paul Newman collected. Rather than pocket the money, Mr. Newman used it as seed money to establish the Newman's Own line of organic foods. In addition to providing healthy alternatives for consumers, proceeds from the sale of the products go to worthy charities, with hundreds of millions donated to date. So while the movie was forgotten, its legacy lives on.

The movie remained elusive on home video, but it ironically got a full restoration after Mr. Newman passed away, becoming part of the "Paul Newman Film Series". While he certainly would have regretted the choice of packaging for the film he actively hated, Paul probably got a kick put of literally making Newman's Own lemonade out of a big lemon.

Great Moments in Movie-Making Incompetence: "Airport '79: The Concorde"

Airport ’79: The Concorde

Despite the fact that this movie is nothing but an incompetent mess, it wasn’t too hard to choose the most incompetent moment in a film full of them. In a film featuring latin sexpot Charo in her 1970′s prime, the producers chose another actress to appear in a wet T-Shirt: the ancient Martha Raye. Needless to say, this was the last of the infamous Airport films.

Great Moments in Movie-Making Incompetence: "Alien From L.A."

Imagine you’re making a movie and you cast a sexy supermodel in her prime. Sure, she’s a lousy actress with an annoying voice, but who cares? Just come up with excuses to have her display her “assets” in tight, revealing clothing and the guys in the audience won’t care about anything else. The film Species is a perfect example of this; an alternate title could have been Let’s Have A Look At Natasha Henstridge’s Tits.

The makers of Alien From L.A. had it easy- they had the hot supermodel Kathy Ireland in their film. Just put her in a bikini, tight tops and sexy clothes and you’ll have them lining up around the block. The producers of Alien From L.A., however, chose to make Ms. Ireland a nerdy, heavily clothed, dowdy woman who doesn’t appear in a bikini until the last scene of the film. Since this film was produced by schlockmeisters Golan and Globus, producers of the horrific Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, it isn’t hard to believe they’d skimp on the one thing that George Weiss felt would guarantee a hit film- “Tits”.

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"We'll, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away."

-Crow T. Robot in The Leech Woman

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"Crap-lousy ceiling! I thought I told you to get some man-animals in here to fix it!'

-Terl in Battlefield Earth

Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

"I made some truly awful movies. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot was the worst. If you ever want someone to confess to murder just make him or her sit through that film. They will confess to anything after 15 minutes.”

-Sylvester Stallone

Hollywood Math: 'Holiday' Movie Edition

Every Underemployed Actor/Actress Who Answers The Phone + Multiple Unrelated Storylines Too Short To Fill A Regular Film + Garry Marshall – Coherent Narrative – believability = Guaranteed Greenlight!

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdote: Charlton Heston Edition

"...Mr. Heston was always uneasy around firearms of any kind, even those with blanks. 'Having a gun around is making me nervous. Can't we hurry this along?' he'd say. Charlton's homoerotic behavior was also an issue, often making co-stars from Liberace to Rock Hudson upset that they had to deal with his unwanted advances..."

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Mae West Edition

“… Miss West was repulsed by the smutty innuendoes written into the script. ‘Can’t we clean this up?’ she’d ask, ‘There’s no place in the pictures for this kind of smutty talk!’ Film crews would also have to watch their salty language in front of Mae, who would not tolerate profanity of any kind. Directors often learned of Miss West’s prudishness the hard way- after someone on the set upset her delicate sensibilities…”

Hollywood Math

Novelty Song + Unrelated Script - Famous Version of Novelty Song = It'll Still Be a Hit Movie, Right?!?

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"The Feliz Navidad dancers!"

-From the MST3K riffing of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

-Michael from Troll 2

Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way."

-Roger Ebert

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Mary Pickford Edition

"...Any set in which Miss Pickford found herself would soon find itself awash in plentiful liquors and licentiousness. 'She'd down one drink and up would go her legs. The costume mistress would be beside herself when Miss Pickford ripped off her clothing to expose her breasts and vaginal region. She ruined many a dress in this manner,' noted a studio executive. Extra money would have to be budgeted to deal with her debauchery..."

WTF?!? Moments: Skidoo

Paramount wanted a picture that would excite the young people of the late 1960's. With their usual fare striking out with the so-called "hippies", they did what any "with it" studio would do- hire elderly director Otto Preminger, Jackie Gleason and Carol Channing to head up a cast of stars who most assumed had already passed away to make a 'Today' picture- Skidoo!

There are many scenes that are WTF?!? Moments in this mess- Elderly celebrities embarrassing themselves, Jackie Gleason tripping on acid, Carol Channing doing a striptease in front of Frankie Avalon... But the scene that tops them all for bizarreness is actually the credits. Otto Preminger himself, sounding like Colonel Klink, asks the audience to stay in their seats while Harry Nilsson sings the end credits. It's as bizarre as it sounds and the "song" even made it onto the soundtrack.

While the rest of the soundtrack (aside from Ms. Channing's croaking) has gained some fans over the years, the bizarre song from the most bizarre film of the 1960's still holds up as an example of what happens when Hollywood tries too hard to be hip.

Hilarious Quotes About Bad Movies

“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.”

-Roger Ebert about Freddy Got Fingered

Hollywood Math: Burt Reynolds Edition

Burt Reynolds + Dom DeLuise + Chimpanzee/Orangutan + Fast Car + Titty Woman = Box Office Success!!!

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"The devil made this movie for you!"

-Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of The Wild World of Batwoman

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"Where are my tits? Where are my tits?!?"

-Myron Breckinridge from the movie Myra Breckinridge

That Guy: Chris Latta

The Internet Movie Database and Wikipedia sure are some amazing resources. Before the so-called “internet” came around, we had to just live with the idea that we might never know whether “That Guy” we just saw in a movie was someone we’d seen before in a different movie. Now, such useless information is at our fingertips and that’s just what we plan to focus on in this new feature.

Our first featured “That Guy” is from the Patrick Swayze classic Road House. When Patrick Swayze first arrives at the downtrodden Double Deuce bar and before he gets the chance to show everyone that it truly is “His way or the highway”, all hell breaks loose inside the bar nightly. Folks start huge fights, advertise “Great Buicks” and revel in sleaze and impropriety. And nobody was sleazier or more improper than a character who is listed in the credits as “Sharing Husband”.

“Sharing Husband” offers up his wife’s breasts to anyone with $20, and she’s a willing participant. This sleazy and sad enterprise is shown being taken advantage of in the movie, as a gentleman “sizes up the goods” before letting the world’s worst husband know that he doesn’t have $20 to pay them. Of course, both Mr. Sleazeball and his wife are offended at this guy’s bad manners. Everyone knows that it is bad manners to take a sample if you cannot afford to pay for the product itself. (At this point, it is only natural for viewers of Road House to want to run to the nearest shower and wash off the sleaze and grime that occurs from witnessing such depravity.)

So who is “That Guy”? He’s the late Chris Latta, who besides starring onMarried… with Children (Big surprise there) was also the original voice of both Mr. Burns and Moe the Bartender from The Simpsons!!! Wrap your brain around that one folks. While it probably wouldn’t be a surprise to see such boorish behavior in Moe’s Tavern (or even perpetrated by Moe himself) it is a bit of a shock to know that Mr. Burns’ voice was originally provided by the guy who played the sleaziest customer at the bar in Road House. Mr. Latta was eventually replaced by Hank Azaria as Moe’s voice and by Harry Shearer as Mr. Burns’ voice. In 1994, he passed away of unknown causes, but his legacy lives on, as Harry Shearer has acknowledged that he merely copied Mr. Latta’s distinctive interpretation of Mr. Burns for his own voice-over work as the character. So we salute Mr. Latta, for originating the voices of two of the funniest Simpsons characters, and giving sleazy barflies who pimp out their wives a role model to look up to.

Really Bad Ideas: Toby Tonka

With Sony Pictures and Adam Sandler seriously developing a film based on Tonka Trucks, it seems as though Hollywood originality has hit a new low. However I might feel about the film, I am nothing if not helpful (but mostly desperate to break into the biz) so here’s my idea for the film. Interested in this blockbuster idea, Mr. Sandler? Have your people call my people!

“Toby Tonka”

Toby Tonka (Adam Sandler) always wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and run the family construction business. He gets his chance after his father’s untimely death. “Tonka Construction” is left to Toby to manage. Its signature yellow trucks are an icon and the company itself is a huge locally owned business that pays all of its employees a fair wage.

Other than running the company, Toby wants nothing more than to marry the girl of his dreams- Tonka Construction Office Manager Daisy Bright. (Drew Barrymore) He also delights in providing a nice living for his faithful employees who are also his buddies. (Jon Lovitz, Norm MacDonald, Kevin Nealon, Bill Hader and Keenan Thompson among others.)

But HugeRapeCo comes to town with bigger trucks & a ruthless CEO (David Spade) with a Napoleon complex. Slowly but surely he and his big city minions (Christopher McDonald, Peter Gallagher & John Turturro) take business away from Tonka Construction by illegally undercutting them in the bidding process.

An eccentric billionaire (Steve Buscemi) plans on building a huge theme park in town and to HugeRapeCo’s chagrin, he picks Tonka Construction to be the head contractor. HugeRapeCo then proceeds to damage Tonka’s reputation with a fake controversy in which over billing is alleged.

Toby decides to just pack it in and sell out to HugeRapeCo. Expecting Daisy to be onboard with his decision, instead she calls off the wedding plans, calling him a greedy quitter. With the help of a senile old lady (Cloris Leachman) and the “You Can Do It!” Guy (Rob Schneider) Toby decides to fight the allegations and lobbies both the governor (Alec Baldwin) & the eccentric billionaire to help him prove HugeRapeCo is lying.

During the heavily publicized trial, Daisy finds evidence exonerating Tonka Construction & condemning HugeRapeCo. The governor dissolves all HugeRapeCo contracts & awards them to Tonka construction. We then see Toby & Daisy triumphantly marrying at the grand opening of the theme park while the eccentric billionaire sings “Deja Vu” & winks at the camera.

THE END

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Rock Hudson Edition

"... Rock gained a well earned reputation for being a skirt chasing lothario on the sets of his many movies. 'He tried to bed as many women as he could get,' noted an anonymous source, 'He was fond of saying 'I don't care how she looks like as long as she has tits and a slit.' It really bothered the ladies on the set.' The lecherous actor often lost roles due to his insatiable lust for women... "

Really Bad Ideas: Smiley Takes Over The World!

 

Smiley Takes Over the World!

 

BENTONVILLE, AR (RL)- Eager to fix its battered reputation, The Wal-Mart Corporation today announced that it and Dreamworks Animation planned to create a movie based on the popular “Smiley” character that rolls back prices in the discount giant’s commercials.

“We are eager to show the world that we are not the type of company that our detractors portray us as being,” noted Wal-Mart spokesman Hugh Spitzer, “We might take advantage of our employees and shut down local businesses, but we certainly don’t enjoy doing it. Besides, don’t you like only paying eighty eight cents for a two liter bottle of generic cola?”

The film will be entirely animated and feature the excitable Smiley as he protects his Wal-Mart store from union organizers, hostile community members, OSHA inspectors and any others who stand in Wal-Mart’s way of providing so-called “Every Day Low Prices”. “We’ve seen him use lots of devices to lower prices in the past- whips, sledgehammers, knives, etc. I would imagine he’d find those handy in his war against the hippies and communists who don’t like Wal-Mart,” noted the spokesman.

Many Hollywood observers were surprised that Dreamworks Animation would undertake such a project, but as Dreamworks head Jeffrey Katzenberg explained, “This is a no-brainer for us. We are excited to bring the Wal-Mart Smiley into the same enchanted world of Shrek and the Donkey,” he noted, “Besides, they threatened to stop selling our DVDs, so that sealed the deal.”

Wal-Mart and Dreamworks Animation were reluctant to provide too many details about the movie but did mention that Smiley’s main enemy will be a female character named “Commy U. Nion”. Joining Commy will be her team of villains, most of whom are government bureaucrats. “The message we want to give the next generation of children is that Smiley will take over the world eventually, so you should just roll over and accept it,” noted the Wal-Mart spokesman. When asked to provide further comment, Mr. Katzenberg merely shook his head and took another swig from his flask.

Smiley Takes Over the World will begin production immediately and feature the voices of Kathie Lee Gifford, Tom Selleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. Despite the fact that production hadn’t yet started, the FOX News Channel already gave the movie its highest rating of five stars. “I haven’t seen this movie yet,” noted the FOX News reviewer, “But I think the movie is as good if not better than The Passion of the Christ because that’s what the RNC wants us to say.” A release date has not yet been set.

Really Bad Ideas: CSI: Bloomington

 

CBS TO ADD ANOTHER NIGHT OF ‘CSI’ TO FALL SCHEDULE

 

HOLLYWOOD (RPS)- CBS is seeking to add yet another CSI to its schedule in a bid to increase the network’s ratings on Friday nights. “It is increasingly hard to build an audience with an untested show,” noted network spokesman Rob Barrow, “So we’re going back to the well yet another time.”

Joining the original CSI and its spin-offs CSI: Miami and CSI: New York will be CSI: Bloomington. “We were eager to try a less glamorous city this time because it is really cheap to film in Bloomington,” announced series producer Jerry Bruckheimer, “We were more than happy to follow the network’s direction to save costs on this project and trust me that we won’t sacrifice anything that really matters.”

Heading the CSI: Bloomington team will be out of work actor Erik Estrada who was overjoyed at the news that he will be leading the eager group of CSIs. “This is a dream come true for me,” said Mr. Estrada, “I can taste that name brand cola right now!” The rest of the cast features a young cast made up of mostly child stars from the eighties who have had trouble finding work of late and included (as of press time): Fred (Wonder Years) Savage, Tina (Family Ties) Yothers and that scary robot girl from Small Wonder . “I look forward to working with these talented young actors,” noted Mr. Estrada, “I look forward to working, period.” When asked if he’d seen any of his cast members on their previous shows, Mr. Estrada commented that “Indeed I did- everyone was watching Family Ties and The Wonder Years when they first came on. I think I saw Small Wonder once while stranded in an airport terminal due to fog.”

Shooting is expected to begin immediately, since CSI: Bloomington will merely recycle plots from the other CSI shows, “except instead of a crime taking place at a glamorous casino, it might take place at the Mall of America, or a car jacking might be changed to an aggressive bike theft.” Noted Mr. Bruckheimer, “Honestly, I think it doesn’t really matter what happens as long as we slap the CSI name on it.”

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"Ha ha, good, good. Now back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP!"

-Tom Servo from the MST3K riffing of Space Mutiny

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"That's right! And no hippie is gonna make it with my daughter!"

-Tony Banks from Skidoo

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Jimmy Stewart Edition

"... Jimmy was fond of telling obscene stories to the film crew and never hesitated even when a woman was within hearing distance. Once an older member of the crew cautioned him about a lady being in the room and Jimmy blew his top. 'Lady? That Trollop is no lady! She let me have relations with her yesterday!' The blushing woman quickly left the room, humiliated..."

Ten Bad Ideas For Porno Spoofs

 

10. Titty Titty Gang Bang

  9. It's Wonderful to Share Your Wife

  8. The Nude Adventures of Slitty Longstroking

  7. The French Whore of Bel Air

  6. One Screwed Over the Kitchen Sink

  5. Miracle Does 34 Guys

  4. BangFest in Tiffany

  3. The Hand that Fists the Lady

  2. The Greatest Slut on Earth

  1. The Slicing of Her Hams

Happy New Year!

"Phooey. It's only a five hour drive and it'll probably stop by the time we get to the desert. Heck, it'll probably stop by the time we get around the corner. Let's go."