MST3K Quote Weekends

"Tonight Norman will be forcing those ladies to put the lotion in the basket."

-Rifftrax

Mega Mis-Fires: Town & Country

"Let's flush $80 Million down the toilet in a talky mess of a movie with no discernible evidence as to why a film without special effects cost $80 Million!"

#straight2DVD

#straight2DVD

“Driving Miss Daisy: With a Vengeance”

“Bucket List 2: Electric Boogaloo”

“Honey, I Forgot The Grandkids”

“Sandlot 3: Steroid Testing”

“National Lampoon’s Staycation”

“Retirement Home Musical”

“Cocoon 3: Anything Goes”

Mega Mis-Fires: Skidoo

"Let's get an aging director and a cast of geriatrics to star in a movie that's supposed to appeal to today's youths. Oh- and make Carol Channing do a striptease. That'll get them into the theaters!"

Mega Mis-Fires: The Postman

"His last post-apocalyptic themed film was a huge disaster at the box office, so why not greenlight another one? Kevin Costner's project is approved."

Happy Memorial Day

According to the conclusion of I Accuse My Parents, it was shown to American troops for free. Just another sacrifice made by our troops!

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Tell me again why they have an elaborate security system, but they don't *lock* anything?!"

 -Mike Nelson from the MST3K riffing of Hobgoblins

MST3K Quote Weekends

"Oh, I know what this is, this is an 'I can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits' cast list!"

-Tom Servo from the MST3K riffing of The Skydivers

Bad Movie Quote

"What is that? What is that I hear? Where's it coming from? I hear a siren, but I don't see any fire, I don't see any smoke. Whenever there's a siren, it means there's a fire, but I don't see any smoke. That siren. Where is it coming from? Where's that sound coming from?"

-Santa in Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Mega Mis-Fires: At Long Last Love

"We're filming a lavish movie musical where our stars will need to have strong voices. Get Cybill Shepherd, Burt Reynolds and Eileen Brennan on the phone immediately!"

Bad Movie Quote

"Fat people like you should be ground into dog food!"

-Matt in Impulse

Rifftrax Quote

"Just a minute! I'm putting the lotion in the basket."

-from the Rifftrax riffing of The Creeps Machine

Movies They'd Like to Forget: Steve Martin Edition

It couldn't have possibly seemed like a good idea, could it? Take a bunch of mostly unrelated Beatles songs, get the BeeGees and Peter Frampton to sing most of them, then fashion it all into a barely coherent film. Crazy, right? Well Robert Stigwood didn't think so. Fresh off the success of mega-hits Grease and Saturday Night Fever, he must have thought he was invincible. So why not hire the biggest band of the 1970's and have them perform disco versions of the songs from biggest band of the 1960's? All in an over produced film with a ridiculous script?

We've mentioned the film before, but today we'll highlight a particularly bizarre scene- the Maxwell's Silver Hammer sequence. The classic Beatles song tells about a young man who becomes a serial killer of sorts. In this film, however, Steve Martin's Maxwell is a demented doctor who sings about himself while dancing around with people dressed like a Boy Scout troop. Make sense? Not really, but Steve Martin singing a Beatles song isn't the most bizarre thing about the film. And that says a lot.

MST3K Sunday Quote

"Mmm, Floor vegetables!"

-From Rifftrax

Bad Movie Quote

"These aren't kids! They're morons!"

-Detective from The Violent Years

Bad Movie Quote

"Let's see him dance for his organ grinder now!" 

-Colonel Davis in A*P*E

Bad Movie Quotes

"Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!"

-Mark from The Room

Major Mis-Fires: My Best Friend's Girl

"His movies have lost more money than the GDP of many countries, but certainly this one will be the exception! Another greenlight for Dane Cook!"

Minor Mis-Fires: The Room

"I can't act, write or direct and I look like death warmed over. I know nothing about promoting a movie or what might attract ticket buyers. So let's put my dead-eyed picture on a billboard and see what happens!"

Mega Mis-Fires: Sextette

"Why of course people want to see a woman in her eighties gallivant around like a common whore! Where could we go wrong financing a movie in which a great-grandmotherly woman has implied sex with guy after guy?"

MST3K Sunday Quote

"She's the kind of girl you bring home to meet Mother, if Mother's a cigaretty retired hooker."

-Tom Servo during the MST3K riffing of Hobgoblins

MST3K Quote

"ACT-ing!"

Bad Movie Quote

"I'm the girl that works at Paramount all day, and Fox all night." 

 -Marlo Manners from Sextette

Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Mae West Edition

We now re-visit another classic misfire- Myra Breckinridge. Many people forget that the legendary Mae West retired from Hollywood fairly early in her career. Hamstrung by the Hayes Code which put a damper on her ribald jokes and smutty entendres, Mae West chose to quit making pictures rather than conform to the prudish censorship office.

Flash forward to the 1960's. Free love and the collapse of the studio system brought new freedoms and a new rating system. By this time, Miss West was intrigued by the possibilities and was willing to come out of retirement for the right film. She thought that film would be Myra Breckinridge.

Mae went all out on this one, writing smutty one liners and even warbling bizarre versions of popular songs. Already a tacky mess, the film became even more of a slog when it stops to allow Miss West a chance to perform. Why a slutty old casting directress would prance around and sing at a night club is never explained and the audience is left worrying about whether Miss West will break a hip. It was an embarrassing comeback and the financially successful Mae West would wait another ten years to attempt another cinematic comeback in the equally scorned Sextette.

Bad Movie Quote

"Call me by my dream name. Call me!"

-Regan McNeil, from The Exorcist 2

Made Up Movie Taglines: "Admission"

Movie Taglines- made up by looking at the movie poster!

“She’s responsible for accepting thousands of high school seniors into college. But this Spring, she’ll accept a man into the most selective place ever- her heart.”

Bad Movie Quotes

"I never count my chickens till I've wrung their necks!" 

-Eddie Schultz from No Orchids for Miss Blandish

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"If knick-knacks ruled the world!"

-From the MST3K riffing of I Accuse My Parents

Movies They'd Like To Forget: Revenge of the Cheerleaders

Although he has starred in more embarrassing things since then, David Hasselhoff probably is still most embarrassed about this racy low budget sleazefest- Revenge of the Cheerleaders. He plays a horny character with the distinguished name of "Boner" who acts just as we'd expect such a character to act. Despite the depths to which Hasselhoff stoops in this film, he still manages to stay above the all time low of drunkenly eating a cheeseburger off the floor. (But not by much.)

MST3K Quote

"Want this on your Klan account?"

-From the MST3K riffing of Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues

MST3K Quote

"George Stephanopoulos has really sunk low."

-from the MST3K riffing of Devil Doll