Toy-Based Movies

Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced that they are teaming up to produce movies based on Hasbro’s various toy and game lines. This unbelievable bit of news has “epic failure” written all over it and appears destined to produce the sort of movies that would eventually end up being mentioned here at BlindKiyomi.com. So what types of projects can we expect? Probably a few bad ideas like these:

Monopoly: The Movie

Starring: Adam Sandler, Gene Hackman, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rooney and a gaggle of washed-up SNL actors.

Story: Gene Hackman plays a maniacal billionaire who is desperate to own every piece of land in Atlantic City. He ends up owning everything- except for the highly prized Boardwalk, which is owned by another eccentric billionaire played by Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler’s character is a kind hearted guy who rents it out to an orphanage run by a priest (Mickey Rooney) and a sexy social worker (Jessica Alba). Frustrated, Hackman’s character mounts a vicious takeover attempt to gain control of the Adam Sandler character’s company and therefore gain ownership of the elusive Boardwalk. Of course, Adam Sandler won’t go down without a fight, and ends up ruining his rival’s company, and bedding that sexy social worker. In between, we get treated to Mr. Sandler’s baby voice, a random Steve Buscemi cameo and Rob Schneider’s “You Can Do It!” guy.

Michael Bay’s Risk

Starring: Big explosions and special effects plus a new batch of expendable actors.

Story: Apparently there’s a war going on somewhere with loud explosions, cool CGI effects and scantily clad women running around. That’s about it. (What do you expect from a Michael Bay film?)

The Easy Bake Oven Movie

Starring: Dakota Fanning, Judge Reinhold and Meg Ryan

Story: A young girl (Dakota Fanning) discovers that her Easy Bake Oven is magic and can produce delicious three course meals. Her single father (Judge Reinhold) decides to enter his daughter in a cook-off contest, figuring that there’s no way she can lose. After winning the first round of a million dollar cook-off with a stunning beef ragout, the contest organizers get suspicious and send a sultry divorcee (Meg Ryan) to investigate. Of course Ms. Ryan’s character gets a lot more than she bargained for and ends up getting swept off of her feet and down the aisle by Mr. Reinhold. Miraculously, Dakota’s Easy Bake Oven stops working after the wedding, but she’s so happy with her new mom, she doesn’t really care.

My Little Pony

Starring the voices of: Mike Myers, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Gilbert Gottfried and Vanessa Hudgens

Story: The world of My Little Pony comes alive in CGI! Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens provide the voices of two ponies who have a crush on a cute guy pony voiced by Zac Efron. Unfortunately, all is not well in Ponyland, because an evil Scottish pony, voiced by Mike Myer (who else?) wants to take over the world, aided by a wisecracking sidekick voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Since Hollywood believes that (Mike Myers’ Scottish Voice) + (CGI) = BIG MONEY, it doesn’t really matter what happens next.

Aggravation: The Game Movie

Starring: Jim Carrey, Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, Ashton Kutcher and Carrot Top

Story: While the game involves moving marbles from one place to another on a game board and “aggravating” your opponents by bumping them back to start, this movie consists of each star aggravating the audience with their lame shtick. See Jim Carrey “talking” with his buttocks, Dane Cook rambling on and on about nothing, Jessica Simpson’s “acting”, Ashton Kutcher being a douche and Carrot Top just being himself.

First Draft Film Titles

Horse Faced Lady and Her Three Slutty Friends

Dolly Parton Runs A Whorehouse, But You Still Won't See Her Naked Rack.

We Might As Well Just Flush The Studio's Money Down the Toilet, Starring Dane Cook

Two Dudes Bang Each Other On A Mountain

Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Mike Myers Collect Another Paycheck

Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry & Tyler Perry Star in Who Cares, This Movie Is Going To Make Money No Matter What

Foul Mouthed Old Ladies Are Hilarious!

Has-Beens on a Plane

Let's Just Blow Stuff Up, Directed By Michael Bay

Stuck-Up College Frat Guys Get Their Comeuppance

Whiny Emo Makes An Indie Film in Which He Gets a Date With His Dream Girl Even Though She Laughed At Him In Real Life

Whiny Emo Who Grew Up Rich Makes An Indie Film About How Troubled His Childhood Was

Three Line Movie Summaries: Santa Claus Movies

**Santa, whose intelligence is shown to be just above that of a chimpanzee, gets caught in a trap by an evildoer, gets lost or becomes sick.

**The Care Bears, According to Jim, Strawberry Shortcake, The Shrek and/or Jim J. Bullock are enlisted to help “save Christmas” by finishing Santa’s route.

**Santa is saved or recovers and thanks his new friends for “Saving Christmas”, because as we all know the true meaning of Christmas is getting material goods on the morning of December 25th and not a day later.

The Quintessential Lifetime Original Movie

Taking a look at cable television, it seems that most channels cannot keep their supposed concepts pure. Desperate for ratings, most channels will sacrifice their alleged themes to air anything they think will attract viewers. That’s why Law and Order reruns get aired on the Sci-Fi Channel or The Learning Channel will show just about anything regardless of whether any actual learning is involved.

But one channel is not only good at keeping its concept pure, it also seems to have spawned an entire genre of films that only it could air. Of course, we’re talking about the Lifetime Cable Network, home of the “woman in peril” film, known to one and all as the “Lifetime Original Movie”.

The Lifetime formula is simple really; take Meredith Baxter, Joanna Kerns, Tori Spelling or any number of young or middle aged actresses, give them a perfect life, then pull the rug out from under them. Slap a ridiculous sounding title that sometimes has little to do with the actual movie (Like Fatal Deception, Strip Me Deadly, They Took Her Son, They Took Her Life or Fatal Accomplice) and you’ve got a Lifetime Original Movie!

Some people simplistically try to claim that every Lifetime Original Movie features the central thesis that “Women are good and Men are bad.” This is far from the truth; for example, if the guy is Meredith Baxter’s son, he’s probably good. In fact, about the only thing that is a must for a Lifetime movie is that everything must start out perfect for the main heroine. In fact, we know that everything is perfect because our heroine will spend the first fifteen minutes of the movie living the good life and telling everyone around her who will listen how perfect her life is.

Then comes the bombshell- it can be anything really, but it has to bring the world down for our heroine and provide her with a cause to pursue. Rest assured, however, that regardless of the depths her life sinks to, our main character will triumph, even getting a chance to gloat about how she’s back on top.

So just to illustrate how easy it is to put together a Lifetime movie, let’s create one for Meredith Baxter-

With Friends Like These

Meredith Baxter is sitting on top of the world. She lives in a lavish McMansion with her husband Bruce Boxleitner and her days are spent shopping in lavish malls and taking advantage of the tony country club she is a member of with her best friend in the world, played by Megan Mullaly. With her young daughter out of the nest and working in the city with a high paying job, Ms. Baxter’s character anticipates growing old with her husband and preparing for the loads of grandchildren her daughter will no doubt bear.

But then- disaster strikes! Ms. Baxter’s husband dies in a freak accident. Bereft, she takes solace in the fact that her husband had a hefty retirement portfolio so that she can continue to live the life she has grown accustomed to. Unfortunately, her husband’s employer is an Evil Capitalist(tm) who points to a clause in her husband’s retirement plan that doesn’t require him to pay out a nickel due to the circumstances of his death. Luckily for Ms. Baxter, he tells her that he has a heart and cuts a check for $1,000. Ms. Baxter tries to see what her legal recourse is, only to discover that she has none and should just get on with her life.

Soon, she finds herself having to sell off the McMansion to pay the bills her husband left behind. She must give up her country club membership, which makes her wealthy friends look down their noses at her. Even Megan Mullaly ignores her calls. ‘At least I have my daughter’ thinks Ms. Baxter, but when her daughter discovers that there isn’t going to be an inheritance, she becomes cold to her own mother.

Depressed and forced to make a living on her own, Ms. Baxter takes a job as a waitress at a coffee shop. She makes a new friend in one of the other waitresses, a sassy black woman played by Alfre Woodard. Ensconced in a cheap apartment and blessed with a steady job, Ms. Baxter is down, but not out.

In the course of her work, Ms. Baxter stumbles upon a problem in the food service industry that she thinks she can solve with a unique invention. The invention is a success at the Coffee Shop, but she needs seed money to fully capitalize on her million dollar idea. The Coffee Shop owner, a jerk who has little regard for women rejects her, as do her old friends, who laugh in her face. Dejected, she sees her opportunity to make money on her invention slipping away. But, there was one person who she hasn’t asked yet- Alfre Woodard. Ms. Woodard’s character tells Ms. Baxter that she’s been squirreling money away for a rainy day and “It’s rainin’ cats and dogs today, honey!” At this time, Ms. Baxter reconciles with her daughter who admits how stupid she was and also invests in her mother’s idea.

Ms. Baxter and Ms. Woodard become partners and use their spare time to produce their new product. After a few tense minutes with their first potential customer, they soon discover that their product is a hit. Money starts rolling in and they both quit their jobs, leaving their jerky former employer speechless. The ladies soon become the toast of the town and the business world, getting their pictures in every business magazine and newspaper. Soon, their small company outgrows its small offices and they find themselves overseeing a million dollar business with hundreds, if not thousands of workers.

So, is the movie over? Not yet. You see, Ms. Baxter has to gloat, so her old friend Megan Mullaly invites her to lunch. Ms. Baxter accepts the invitation and calmly catches up with her friend. “That was a bad spell for you wasn’t it?” notes Ms. Mullaly, “Lucky it’s now all over. Let’s do lunch again next week.” Cue Ms. Baxter’s angry tirade. Ms. Mullaly gets to purse her lips and look embarrassed when Meredith storms out of the restaurant, vowing to never see Ms. Mullaly ever again.

So, is that it? Nope, because it appears that her husband’s old company somehow wants to buy her new company because they are making so much money and are somehow in the same line of business. (Something we barely learn at this point.) Ms. Baxter triumphantly enters the office of the Evil Capitalist(tm) who tells her that he hopes there’s no hard feelings and that the buyout offer is more than fair. At this point, Ms. Baxter refuses the offer and a member of the company’s board of directors storms into the office to shake Ms. Baxter’s hand. Why, you ask? Because they are selling out to Ms. Baxter’s company, of course! To add insult to injury, Ms. Baxter hands the Evil Capitalist(tm) his severence check- $1,000!

So, is the movie over? Yes, mostly. But first, we see Ms. Baxter, Ms. Woodard and Ms. Baxter’s daughter sipping champagne a few weeks later- in what used to be the Evil Capitalist’s(tm) office! Then we fade out.

That’s it- the quintessential Lifetime movie, right off the top of our heads. Substitute Joanna Kerns or throw something to do with cancer in there and you’d have an entirely new film. See how easy it is?

**Keep in mind that this idea is (c) Ralphland Productions, so if you work for Lifetime and see this, don’t get any ideas. (But if you like the idea, we can talk…..)

Bad Movie Quote

"I'm going to ask you a straightforward question: isn't it true that you have, perhaps unwillingly, acquired a certain habit through association with certain undesirable people?"

- Dr. Carroll from Reefer Madness

Things We Learned From The Movies

Every single woman living in NYC has a gay friend who makes Liberace look like Rambo.

If you hear a noise and think it’s just your cat- you will be murdered in a few minutes.

Irresponsible singles are frequently put in charge of caring for babies, unruly children and/or dogs.

All women have a crazy friend, a slutty friend, a boozy friend & an “ethnic” friend.

A plucky young white teacher is the only thing needed to turn around a struggling inner city school.

It is possible to stop any plane by running in front of it and waving your hands at the pilot.

Every swinging single guy is really just looking for the right woman to step in and take over his life.

Any guy who says his life is perfect while looking at a picture of his family will die within 15 minutes.

When you start singing & dancing everyone around you will join in and know all the lyrics & dance moves.

Mundane Films

“The Mailman of Alcatraz”

“The Happiest Thousandaire”

“Plan Nine From Outer Poughkeepsie”

“Brewster’s Hundreds”

“The Fry Cook Who Loved Me”

“Casino Normal”

“Throw Momma a Party”

“The Best Little Outhouse in Texas”

“The Sneezeguard”

“Willy Wonka and the Cardboard Box Factory”

“The Coke Bottle Redemption”

“Captain Antarctica”

“(500) Days of After-school Detention”

“Die Hard- Of Natural Causes”