Universal Pictures and Hasbro have announced that they are teaming up to produce movies based on Hasbro’s various toy and game lines. This unbelievable bit of news has “epic failure” written all over it and appears destined to produce the sort of movies that would eventually end up being mentioned here at BlindKiyomi.com. So what types of projects can we expect? Probably a few bad ideas like these:
Monopoly: The Movie
Starring: Adam Sandler, Gene Hackman, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rooney and a gaggle of washed-up SNL actors.
Story: Gene Hackman plays a maniacal billionaire who is desperate to own every piece of land in Atlantic City. He ends up owning everything- except for the highly prized Boardwalk, which is owned by another eccentric billionaire played by Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler’s character is a kind hearted guy who rents it out to an orphanage run by a priest (Mickey Rooney) and a sexy social worker (Jessica Alba). Frustrated, Hackman’s character mounts a vicious takeover attempt to gain control of the Adam Sandler character’s company and therefore gain ownership of the elusive Boardwalk. Of course, Adam Sandler won’t go down without a fight, and ends up ruining his rival’s company, and bedding that sexy social worker. In between, we get treated to Mr. Sandler’s baby voice, a random Steve Buscemi cameo and Rob Schneider’s “You Can Do It!” guy.
Michael Bay’s Risk
Starring: Big explosions and special effects plus a new batch of expendable actors.
Story: Apparently there’s a war going on somewhere with loud explosions, cool CGI effects and scantily clad women running around. That’s about it. (What do you expect from a Michael Bay film?)
The Easy Bake Oven Movie
Starring: Dakota Fanning, Judge Reinhold and Meg Ryan
Story: A young girl (Dakota Fanning) discovers that her Easy Bake Oven is magic and can produce delicious three course meals. Her single father (Judge Reinhold) decides to enter his daughter in a cook-off contest, figuring that there’s no way she can lose. After winning the first round of a million dollar cook-off with a stunning beef ragout, the contest organizers get suspicious and send a sultry divorcee (Meg Ryan) to investigate. Of course Ms. Ryan’s character gets a lot more than she bargained for and ends up getting swept off of her feet and down the aisle by Mr. Reinhold. Miraculously, Dakota’s Easy Bake Oven stops working after the wedding, but she’s so happy with her new mom, she doesn’t really care.
My Little Pony
Starring the voices of: Mike Myers, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Gilbert Gottfried and Vanessa Hudgens
Story: The world of My Little Pony comes alive in CGI! Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens provide the voices of two ponies who have a crush on a cute guy pony voiced by Zac Efron. Unfortunately, all is not well in Ponyland, because an evil Scottish pony, voiced by Mike Myer (who else?) wants to take over the world, aided by a wisecracking sidekick voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Since Hollywood believes that (Mike Myers’ Scottish Voice) + (CGI) = BIG MONEY, it doesn’t really matter what happens next.
Aggravation: The Game Movie
Starring: Jim Carrey, Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, Ashton Kutcher and Carrot Top
Story: While the game involves moving marbles from one place to another on a game board and “aggravating” your opponents by bumping them back to start, this movie consists of each star aggravating the audience with their lame shtick. See Jim Carrey “talking” with his buttocks, Dane Cook rambling on and on about nothing, Jessica Simpson’s “acting”, Ashton Kutcher being a douche and Carrot Top just being himself.
