As with any job, the position of “actress” has various career paths that an aspiring starlet might choose to follow. Let’s take a look at one of them, shall we?
1. Soap Starlet- Everyone needs to start somewhere and if an aspiring actress is lucky, she’ll begin her career on one of the many daytime soaps out there in TV Land. (If she’s not lucky, she’ll start out somewhere else, but that’s not something we like to talk about here on Ralphland.) In any case, she’ll typically enter the soap as the alleged daughter of the soap opera’s matriarch, in town to cause trouble. When everything gets sorted out, she settles in and finds herself a boyfriend (hopefully not her mom’s current husband!) who she falls in and out of love with. Eventually, she becomes part of a supercouple and women around the country begin naming their daughters after her. Now that her ego is sufficiently built up, she will ask to be written out of the soap so that she can star in movies and primetime series. The writers “kill” her off under mysterious circumstances so that she (or at least her character) might be able to return later.
2. Young Lifetime daughter- Taking her first steps to stardom, our young actress heads off to do a few movies for the Lifetime cable network, starring as the daughter of Meredith Baxter or Joanna Kerns. These being Lifetime movies, she ends up battered, murdered and/or strung out on drugs, being taken advantage of by evil men. It is then up to her mother to save her or avenge her death.
3. Indie Darling- With Hollywood not quite ready to embrace her, but having made a name for herself, the actress then moves on to Independent films. She’s either a member of a dysfunctional family (about 98% of all Indie films concern quirky, dysfunctional families) or the object of a nerdy guy’s affection who looks past his nerdiness to see the marvelous person within.
4. Movie with a Big Star- Now comes the actress’ big break- she gets to star in a big Hollywood movie with a big name star. If the movie is a “chick flick”, she’ll play Meryl Streep’s or Kathy Bates’ daughter in what is essentially a Lifetime movie with a bigger budget. If the movie is an action film, she’ll be the imperiled love interest of a much older man, most likely Harrison Ford, Michael Douglas, or Sean Connery. Despite having to play the girlfriend of a man old enough to be her grandfather, she’ll pretend that the situation doesn’t completely creep her out. If the movie is a comedy, she’ll do the same as above, except she’ll star as the girlfriend of Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler.
5. Hollywood’s “It” Girl- After her movie with a big star is a big hit, People Magazine, Entertainment Weekly and Us Weekly will proclaim her to be Hollywood’s next big thing. The paparazzi will follow her everywhere and the gossip columnists will have a field day trying to figure out who she’s dating. The actress will use this time to carefully select her next movie in which she’ll finally be the star.
6. The Big Crash- Unfortunately, our actress will choose the sappiest romantic comedy around to make her starring debut. Despite being glamorous and slim, the story will revolve around her being ugly or fat and her problems getting a date. One of her co-workers (usually played by an actress who really is fat or ugly) will give her a makeover and encourage her to go out with the new hot accountant at their mutual workplace. Of course, everything will be fine until there’s either a misunderstanding (The hot blonde he was with is really his sister!) or he discovers her “ugly” past. Of course, love conquers all and they end up getting married by the end of the film. The movie tanks badly and despite the script being formulaic, dull and not at all believable, everyone in Hollywood will blame our actress.
7. The Special Guest Star- Out of work and desperate, the actress will take any guest star role that television will give her, easily becoming more annoying to casting directors than even Dr. Joyce Brothers. Luckily, she’ll get just the right guest spot, which will lead to her getting her own network television comedy. Of course, her show fails spectacularly.
8. Back to the Future- Desperate for work and forever off the Hollywood A List, the actress will triumphantly return to where she started- the soap opera. The writers will create the most ridiculous storyline to explain why she wasn’t really dead. The star’s original fans will return in droves and she’ll be sitting on top of the soap world- again. If she’s lucky, she’ll realize that her best career choice is to stick with the soap opera. Otherwise, she’ll let fame go to her head . . . (Go back to step number 2 and substitute “Young Daughter” with “Young Mother”.)
