Manos: The Hands of Fate
Hollywood, CA (RPS)- Famed director Stephen Spielberg announced his intentions today to remake the cult classic Manos: The Hands of Fate. “I am truly excited about this project,” noted Mr. Spielberg, “Imagine how much better this classic would have been with an all star cast and a budget into the hundreds of millions?” Mr. Spielberg says that he has always wanted to re-make Manos, ever since he saw it back in college. “I remember telling everyone I knew how great that movie was. Unfortunately, I now think I was extremely drunk when I first saw the movie, but who cares? Slap my name on this baby and you’ve already got at least a $75 million dollar opening.”
Mr. Spielberg announced that his movie will differ from the original in that it will be called Steven Spielberg’s Hands! The Hands of Fate. “Our initial research shows that most people don’t realize that manos is Spanish for hands, so we figured we’d put it in the title so that nobody gets confused,” noted Mr. Spielberg.
Another major change will revolve around the signature character from the original movie, a half man, half goat named Torgo. “I always thought that Torgo would be better as a CGI character, not a real actor,” Mr. Spielberg said, “I also thought the perfect voice for our CGI Torgo would be none other than Gilbert Gottfried himself!” Other casting choices will feature Tom Hanks as the wayward father, Meg Ryan as his wife and Dakota Fanning as their little daughter who gets caught up in the Satan worshipping cult along with her parents. The fearsome Master who orders his minion Torgo around and draws Tom Hanks’ family into his web will be played by none other than Christopher Walken. “Chris Walken gives me the creeps. He’s perfect for this role!”
Hollywood super couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore will make cameos as a smooching couple that witnesses some of the action. The roles of the ineffectual lawmen that try to find the lost family were not filled at press time, but Mr. Spielberg noted that he was courting such Hollywood luminaries as Samuel L Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones. Mr. Spielberg hopes to begin shooting in early 2005 in Prague. “I know that the original movie was shot in Texas, but I wanted to spend vast amounts of money to recreate the landscapes in Prague. I really like shooting movies in Prague. Heck, I just like saying the word Prague.”
