Bad Movie Quote

"Watch out for snakes!"

-Arch Hall, Sr. In Eegah

#mundanefilms

#mundanefilms

“The Mailman of Alcatraz”

“The Happiest Thousandaire”

“Plan Nine From Outer Poughkeepsie”

“Brewster’s Hundreds”

“The Fry Cook Who Loved Me”

“Casino Normal”

“Throw Momma a Party”

“The Best Little Outhouse in Texas”

“The Sneezeguard”

“Willy Wonka and the Cardboard Box Factory”

“The Coke Bottle Redemption”

“Captain Antarctica”

“(500) Days of After-school Detention”

“Die Hard- Of Natural Causes”

#thingsilearnedfromthemovies

#thingsilearnedfromthemovies

Every single woman living in NYC has a gay friend who makes Liberace look like Rambo.

If you hear a noise and think it’s just your cat- you will be murdered in a few minutes.

Irresponsible singles are frequently put in charge of caring for babies, unruly children and/or dogs.

All women have a crazy friend, a slutty friend, a boozy friend & an “ethnic” friend.

A plucky young white teacher is the only thing needed to turn around a struggling inner city school.

It is possible to stop any plane by running in front of it and waving your hands at the pilot.

Every swinging single guy is really just looking for the right woman to step in and take over his life.

Any guy who says his life is perfect while looking at a picture of his family will die within 15 minutes.

When you start singing & dancing everyone around you will join in and know all the lyrics & dance moves.

Ten Rejected Kickstarter Projects

10. What’s in Dustin Diamond’s Pocket: A Documentary

9. Manimal: The Next Generation

8. Hipsters Being D-Bags: The Movie

7. Stuff We Thought Was Funny Because We Were Stoned: The Web Series

6. Friends 2.0

5. GEICO Cavemen: Season 2

4. The History of Dirt: A Twenty Part Miniseries

3. I Like Dudes: Fund My Short Film So I Can Come Out to Dad!

2. I Could Have Funded This Myself: The Zach Braff Movie

1. Vanity: Songs the Recording Industry Rejected

Dead or Alive? Arch Hall, Jr.

Arch Hall, Jr. lit up the screen in the 1960's, starring in films produced by his father, including Wild Guitar!, The Sadist and the film made popular by Mystery Science Theater 3000- the immortal Eegah!

While many people focus on his campy films, Mr. Hall was actually an accomplished guitar player and his music is very good 1960's surf rock. His music finally got the release it deserved in 2005 and the album is still available on CD. (You can even get an autographed copy at http://www.archhalljr.com.)

Oops, probably should have put a spoiler alert on that last sentence; because as of today, Arch Hall, Jr. is still alive and rocking! (Watch out for snakes!)

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"How many years did they hold her back?"

-From the MST3K riffing of Is This Love?

Blind Kiyomi Bad Movie Quote

"You betrayed me! You're not good. You, you're just a chicken. Chip-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep!"

-Johnny from The Room

"Road House Rules"- Bouncers get hot chicks

In the real world, bouncers are typically burly, overweight guys who stay in the shadows of the night club until a drunk loudmouth forces them to spring into action. Not in the world of Road House however. In Road House,bouncers are huge celebrities who can become known far and wide if they’re talented (Like Dalton) and get hot chicks even if they aren’t.

Celebrity bouncer Dalton is a great example. Not only is he apparently known by everyone, women of all types throw themselves at him- Doctors, trampy barflies, slutty barmaids, stacked mistresses, etc.

Even scrawny, crooked bouncers get some action; one bouncer is shown all out banging a slutty customer in the supply room. After being caught by Dalton he famously announces that he’s on his break, but his excuse falls on deaf ears; he’s promptly fired. His hot, blonde “Saturday night thing” scurries off, ready to tell her jealous friends how she had a quickie in a seedy bar with a sleazy bouncer. Maybe she’s the one trying to sell that legendary “great Buick”. Truly the occupation of “dive bar bouncer” is one of kings.

Made Up Movie Taglines: “New Years Eve”

“You won’t believe what happened when we called hundreds of Hollywood stars and forty of them answered the phone and said yes.”

Signs of a Bad Movie- Bizarrely Specific Elements

They always say that you should write about what you know. This will ensure a more authentic book or script. However, some auteurs take this advice too far and cross over the line from authenticity to WTF.

You'll see this fairly often in bad movies; the writer is so enamored with his or her "cleverness" or with a particular aspect of the script, that they spend far too much time on it, much to the detriment of all else.

Take The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!?? Ray Dennis Steckler seemingly had a love of peep shows in which women put on more clothes than they normally wear to church, so he inserts scene after scene of bizarre, choreographed dances at a "peep show" that has an audience filled with more middle aged women than young perverts. (Was this a sly depiction of lesbianism, or were these the only people he could get to sit and watch these lavish dance numbers?) It's almost as if Mr. Steckler was making a film about dancing that he put a cheesy horror film into, rather than vice versa. Regardless of his intent, it still made for a lousy film.

"Road House Rules": There are some things you cannot do on your break...

Break time is a time honored tradition in most first world countries. It is often used by weary employees to clear their heads, run quick errands or get a nice smoke. Since break time is often required by law, it is considered to be 15 minutes of free time that an employee can use any way he or she sees fit and the Double Deuce Bar featured in Road House is no exception. In fact, since the place has a casual work environment, there are probably many things one can do on a break there that would be frowned upon in a more formal office setting. However, even the Double Deuce has to draw the line somewhere and one of the things that’s over the line is sexual intercourse.

Head bouncer Dalton makes it clear that sex is not permitted on the premises regardless of the employee’s work status. When he happens upon one of his staff members engaging in relations with a bar patron, he immediately terminates that staff member’s employment. The staff member protests his firing because he was technically on his break, but the pleas fall on deaf ears, because there are some things you cannot do on your break and sex is definitely one of them.

Random Bad Movie Quote

“Grampa Seth has been gone for more than six months now. You were at the funeral, and I know it was very difficult for you. It was also very difficult for your father, and for Holly, and for me his daughter.”

Diana from Troll 2

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"Manos: The Hands of Fate was filmed on location in a vacant lot."

-Joel Robinson

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"They don't call it the cockpit for nothing, honey."

-Joe Patroni in Airport '79: The Concorde

Hollywood Math

Explosions + Oh hell Naw! + Jiggy Rap + sidekick + overly loud soundtrack – coherent plot = Will Smith box office hit

"Road House Rules" - Millions Can Be Earned by Exploiting a Podunk Town

The town in “Road House” is in trouble before Dalton arrives to clean up the “Double Deuce”. A small town criminal named Brad Wesley shakes down the entire business community to enrich himself at their expense. Strangely enough, despite the fact that there are only about 20 people in the town and just 4 businesses, Mr. Wesley is able to build an elaborate mansion stocked with rare artifacts. The townspeople don’t look like they have $20 between them, much less enough to enrich a criminal kingpin. Mr. Wesley’s power and prestige even extends beyond the boundaries of the town; he mentions wooing JCPenney to their fair city.

So in the world of “Road House”, a small town with a population of 20 can easily sustain a multi-millionaire’s lifestyle as part of his protection racket. Never mind that one man is shown pimping out his wife’s chest for just $20 and the rest of the town doesn’t look like they have a dime between them all.

If Monsters University Were Made by Dreamworks

If Monsters University Were Made by Dreamworks….

* Sully would constantly fart and belch

* Mike Wazowski would be voiced by David Spade

* There would be a song from Smashmouth on the soundtrack and a song from Demi Lovato called I’m Not Boo (But I’m the Bomb)

* Sully would be voiced by Jack Black

* The film would turn out crummy. Kinda really crummy!

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes: Jimmy Stewart Edition

"...The sparks flew between Jimmy and Donna Reed from the second they stepped on the It's A Wonderful Life set. Mr. Stewart refused to call Ms. Reed by her name, choosing instead to call her "that bitch". "He was always saying stuff like 'where's that bitch?' 'I need to get to the night club, tell that bitch to get her ass in gear!' And 'F that bitch!'." noted a member of the crew. The entire situation angered Frank Capra, who particularly objected to Mr. Stewart's carousing..."

Hilarious Quotes from Behind the Scenes of Bad Movies

"Goodbye everybody. You'll never cut it together!"

-John Huston, upon leaving the Myra Breckinridge set.

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

"Strut out, put it out, that's what you want from grandma!"

-From the MST3K riffing of Racket Girls

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"Everybody have sex tonight!"

-Daphne from Hobgoblins

Hollywood Career Path: Actresses

As with any job, the position of “actress” has various career paths that an aspiring starlet might choose to follow. Let’s take a look at one of them, shall we?

1. Soap Starlet- Everyone needs to start somewhere and if an aspiring actress is lucky, she’ll begin her career on one of the many daytime soaps out there in TV Land. (If she’s not lucky, she’ll start out somewhere else, but that’s not something we like to talk about here on Ralphland.) In any case, she’ll typically enter the soap as the alleged daughter of the soap opera’s matriarch, in town to cause trouble. When everything gets sorted out, she settles in and finds herself a boyfriend (hopefully not her mom’s current husband!) who she falls in and out of love with. Eventually, she becomes part of a supercouple and women around the country begin naming their daughters after her. Now that her ego is sufficiently built up, she will ask to be written out of the soap so that she can star in movies and primetime series. The writers “kill” her off under mysterious circumstances so that she (or at least her character) might be able to return later.

2. Young Lifetime daughter- Taking her first steps to stardom, our young actress heads off to do a few movies for the Lifetime cable network, starring as the daughter of Meredith Baxter or Joanna Kerns. These being Lifetime movies, she ends up battered, murdered and/or strung out on drugs, being taken advantage of by evil men. It is then up to her mother to save her or avenge her death.

3. Indie Darling- With Hollywood not quite ready to embrace her, but having made a name for herself, the actress then moves on to Independent films. She’s either a member of a dysfunctional family (about 98% of all Indie films concern quirky, dysfunctional families) or the object of a nerdy guy’s affection who looks past his nerdiness to see the marvelous person within.

4. Movie with a Big Star- Now comes the actress’ big break- she gets to star in a big Hollywood movie with a big name star. If the movie is a “chick flick”, she’ll play Meryl Streep’s or Kathy Bates’ daughter in what is essentially a Lifetime movie with a bigger budget. If the movie is an action film, she’ll be the imperiled love interest of a much older man, most likely Harrison Ford, Michael Douglas, or Sean Connery. Despite having to play the girlfriend of a man old enough to be her grandfather, she’ll pretend that the situation doesn’t completely creep her out. If the movie is a comedy, she’ll do the same as above, except she’ll star as the girlfriend of Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler.

5. Hollywood’s “It” Girl- After her movie with a big star is a big hit, People Magazine, Entertainment Weekly and Us Weekly will proclaim her to be Hollywood’s next big thing. The paparazzi will follow her everywhere and the gossip columnists will have a field day trying to figure out who she’s dating. The actress will use this time to carefully select her next movie in which she’ll finally be the star.

6. The Big Crash- Unfortunately, our actress will choose the sappiest romantic comedy around to make her starring debut. Despite being glamorous and slim, the story will revolve around her being ugly or fat and her problems getting a date. One of her co-workers (usually played by an actress who really is fat or ugly) will give her a makeover and encourage her to go out with the new hot accountant at their mutual workplace. Of course, everything will be fine until there’s either a misunderstanding (The hot blonde he was with is really his sister!) or he discovers her “ugly” past. Of course, love conquers all and they end up getting married by the end of the film. The movie tanks badly and despite the script being formulaic, dull and not at all believable, everyone in Hollywood will blame our actress.

7. The Special Guest Star- Out of work and desperate, the actress will take any guest star role that television will give her, easily becoming more annoying to casting directors than even Dr. Joyce Brothers. Luckily, she’ll get just the right guest spot, which will lead to her getting her own network television comedy. Of course, her show fails spectacularly.

8. Back to the Future- Desperate for work and forever off the Hollywood A List, the actress will triumphantly return to where she started- the soap opera. The writers will create the most ridiculous storyline to explain why she wasn’t really dead. The star’s original fans will return in droves and she’ll be sitting on top of the soap world- again. If she’s lucky, she’ll realize that her best career choice is to stick with the soap opera. Otherwise, she’ll let fame go to her head . . . (Go back to step number 2 and substitute “Young Daughter” with “Young Mother”.)

WTF Moments: "Basic Instinct 2"

Every so often a movie is released that makes us wonder what exactly the people involved were thinking. These movies are so bad that it should have been evident from the very beginning that nothing good would come out of pursuing the project. In 2006 we saw a classic case of greenlight insanity- Basic Instinct 2.

The original Basic Instinct was pretty much a run of the mill thriller and should have been mostly ignored way back in 1992. But the director decided to shine a light up Sharon Stone’s dress during the interrogation scene and the rest was history. Ms. Stone became a huge star and audiences flocked to see what all the fuss was about. (Most of the tickets were probably sold to horn dogs too embarrassed to be seen at a XXX theater.) Just about every television show on the air at the time spoofed the now infamous scene for a cheap laugh.

So 14 years later, we should have been able to breathe a sigh of relief, secure in the knowledge that way too much time had passed for anyone to even consider making a sequel. With Sharon Stone getting close to being eligible for an AARP membership and Michael Douglas firmly in the Lark Motorized Scooter demographic, Basic Instinct 2 seemed like a ridiculous and far fetched possibility. Obviously, this means that it had to be made.

With Michael Douglas way too old to play a convincing partner, even for Ms. Stone, the filmmakers chose not to bring him back. (Although he might have been murdered at the end of the first film- maybe.) Since the only thing that seemed to captivate audiences from the first movie is probably something that nobody would really want to see again, it is unclear how they thought they could get another feature length film made. And how could anyone possibly think that this project could be a success as a theatrical release? (Maybe the project could have worked as a Direct to DVD release or Skinemax cheapie… maybe.)

With nothing new to show and no real new ground to cover, Basic Instinct 2 hit the movie screens of America with a thud. They couldn't even manage to make enough money to cover Sharon Stone’s reported $14 million salary. Perhaps they should have just flushed all of that money down the toilet; it probably would have been cheaper for them in the long run.

The Race for Oscar- For Deluded Actors!

“The Race for Oscar”

I find it interesting to think about how deluded certain folks in Hollywood might be. (Sort of like I delude myself into thinking that people might be actually reading the things I put on this website.) Anyway, I suppose what I’m wondering is, do the terrible actors and actresses of Hollywood wonder if they’ll get nominated for an Oscar? Did Kathy Ireland spend sleepless nights back in 1988 wondering if her role in Alien From L.A. would be honored with a nomination?

I’m sure that there are probably slimy hangers on who try to give false hope to those actors with no chance of getting a nomination- “Of course, they’ll nominate you for Best Actor, Carrot Top! Chairman of the Board was an awesome movie!” Plus, if you believe the critics who love everything, practically everyone in Hollywood is deserving of an Oscar! It probably isn’t too far fetched for an actor with a zero chance of a nomination to get excited about his chances.

Moving on, what about the stars who won’t give up until they get nominated? Take Jim Carrey, for example. Despite the fact that the entertainment news shows think that everyone loves him and that “..this is his year!” he rightfully gets snubbed every time. While I’m sure that Mr. Carrey is probably a nice gentleman who will make more money this year than millions of people combined, he has overacted in just about every movie he has been in.. That’s right, I’ll say it. How does the former Fire Marshall Bill and Ace Ventura expect the Academy to forget all of that?

Another celebrity who recently held up high hopes for an Oscar was Courtney Love. Yes, repellent, hard living, train wreck Courtney Love. She seemed to think that she was a shoe-in for her “acting” in “The People vs. Larry Flynt” in which she played a skanky, hard living train wreck. Sorry, Ms. Love, but playing out scenes that are not too far removed from your real life won’t get you an Oscar. (Some might argue that it isn’t really acting either.)

But before we get comfortable with the idea that Mr. Carrey or Ms. Love are never going to get real Oscars, (there’s always a possible life achievement one) let us remember, no matter how hard we try to forget, that Cher has won an Oscar for best actress. That’s enough to give Jim Carrey, Courtney Love, Will Smith and even Carrot Top hope that one of these days, when we least expect it, we’ll hear: “And the Best Actress Oscar goes to . . . Courtney Love!”

"Road House" Rules - 'Get The Cash Upfront!'

The 1989 classic film Road House appears to live in a mulleted world of its own. The rules of the “normal” world don’t seem to apply in Road House, where bouncers are big celebrities, a man can make a living moving bales of hay from one side of a barn to another and where, most importantly, “Pain Don’t Hurt”. Join us in this new feature where we enumerate the many life lessons to be learned from the famed “Double Deuce” night club.

Road House Rule #1: Get the cash upfront- Always remember that the first rule of pimping out your wife’s chest for money is to collect the cash up front. The Road House denizen who learned this lesson the hard way is the hilariously named “Sharing Husband” who is yet another fat, dumpy, balding drunkard who has a hot, blonde and “well-endowed” wife. (It’s the sort of pairing that only happens in the movies and on CBS sitcoms.) The well-endowed wife appears to be a willing participant in her husband’s sideline pimping business and only gets mad after a boorish barfly takes advantage of their generous sample policy when he gropes her chest without paying the princely sum of $20. This sends her husband into a rage, thus beginning the first bar fight of the film. Only in the sleazy world of Road House would a hot blonde be married to such a slovenly husband, who is obviously neither smart nor wealthy. Since we do not see them again, we can only hope that they learned from their mistake and that the next time they solicit another gentleman for a $20 breast groping they make him pay first.

Great Moments in Filmmaking Incompetence: Myra Breckinridge

In the Gore Vidal novel Myra Breckinridge, “Myra” is really “Myron Breckinridge”, a homosexual who has a sex change to become a woman. When 60′s sexpot Raquel Welch signed on to play Myra, she assumed that she would be playing both Myra and Myron, dressing in Men’s clothing while playing Myron. Director Michael Sarne, however, had other ideas and cast Rex Reed as “Myron”. While it isn’t hard to imagine the queeny Rex Reed being a homosexual, it takes a leap of faith to imagine that the dumpy, flabby Rex Reed could ever be turned into the hot and sexy Ms. Welch, no matter how talented the plastic surgeon is. (and the hack doctor portrayed by the slumming John Carradine would definitely not be up to the challenge.) While we are often asked by movie makers to suspend disbelief, imagining a world in which a toad like Mr. Reed could be turned into a sexpot like Ms. Welch is asking for way too much.

Blind Kiyomi Sunday MST3K Quote

Servo: This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! 

Mike: And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. 

-From the MST3K riffing of A Young Man's Fancy

Blind Kiyomi Saturday Bad Movie Quote

"Fix mother a drink, James. I'm exhausted."

-Mrs. Wilson