Embarrassing Moments in Cinematic History: Tom Selleck

Imagine being cast in one of your first Hollywood roles and it's opposite Mae West in an implied love scene. A big thing, if it's the 1930's. Not so much in 1970 when Miss West was well into her eighties and looked like a walking, embalmed mummy. But that was how Tom Selleck was introduced to the world- as a virile young man who willingly wanders into Miss West's boudoir. A far cry from his current role as the distinguished police commissioner in Blue Bloods.

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"I'm glad you decided to give that dead girl another chance!"

-From the MST3K riffing of Space Mutiny

Bad Movie Quote

"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed."

-Cypher Raige in After Earth

Random MST3K Quote

"Zubaz top with a lab coat and a veil? It works!"

-Tom Servo from MST3K's riffing of Pumaman.

Ten Bad Sequel Ideas

10. “You’ve Got More Mail”
9. “After After Earth”
8. “The Seventh Sense”
7. “Another Room”
6. “Skidoo Too!”
5. “Pumaman Returns”
4. “2 Helter 2 Skelter”
3. “Schindler’s Second List”
2. “New Years Eve 2: Columbus Day”
1. “Sharknado 2: Sharknageddon”

Embarrassing Moments in Cinema History: Craig T. Nelson

Craig T. Nelson trades in his dignity for a paycheck as he helps wrap up the 1988 film Troop Beverly Hills by prancing around like an idiot singing the horrific song "Beverly Hills, What a Thrill". Truly an embarrassing moment in cinema history.

Bad Movie Quote

"The man who controls the destiny of the world will be here! When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace, life or death, according to the New Order which I shall establish!"

-Kobras from The Pumaman

Fake Movie Fun Facts

The legacy of James “Jimmy” Stewart lives on, not just in his classic films, but also in his line of legendary Calculus textbooks like Essential Calculus and Brief Applied Calculus. Mr. Stewart wrote his definitive texts in between filming scenes on the classic film Harvey.

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

"Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie."

-Mike Nelson, The Skydivers

Bad Movie Quote

"How many of you know the horror, the terror I will now reveal to you?"

-Criswell in Ed Wood's Night of the Ghouls

Random Quote

"This afternoon, we had a long telephone conversation earlier in the day."

-Dr. Gregor in Ed Wood's Jail Bait

The Blind Kiyomi No Name Hall of Fame - "Sharing Husband"

Welcome to The Blind Kiyomi No Name Hall of Fame! Our goal is to honor the classic film characters who didn't actually get a name from their film's screenwriter, but whose presence is unforgettable.

Our very first inductee is from the classic 1989 action film Road House- the immortal "Sharing Husband", who was portrayed by Chris Latta.

He doesn't get a name, but it is hard to imagine Road House without him. This unambitious gentleman is called "Sharing Husband" in the credits and this is due to the fact that he is willing to share his wife's ample bosom with any guy willing to fork over $20. Yes, folks, this man pimps out his wife's tits. And his wife is totally cool with it. They even have a very generous sample policy, the abuse of which causes the first brawl in the film. After a boorish young man has a "sample" grope, he admits that he doesn't have the required $20, which sends the "Sharing Husband" into a rage, igniting the Double Deuce into a fighting frenzy. 

While he only appears in this one scene, his sad depravity makes him stand out from the Double Deuce flock and earns him this well deserved induction into our No Name Hall of Fame.

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes

"... If there was one thing Rock Hudson insisted on, it was that several large breasted women be on call for his perverted orgy sex parties. 'All Rock thought about was women, women, women! It's a shock that he could remember his lines since all he must have thought about was pussy all day.' ..."

Bad Movie Quote

"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

-Narrator in Beast of Yucca Flats

#smurferizedmoviequotes

"I've got a Smurf with a Smurf that's so good, if you threw it up in the air it would turn into sunshine."

"He said he could smell my Smurf."

"What can't you say in front of your mother? You wanna Smurf your brains out, don't you?"

"Is he someone you would want to, uh, Smurf?"

"I used to Smurf guys like you in prison!"

"You better get ready to be one rich Smurf! Because I'm gonna knock somebody the Smurf out!"

"They Smurf you at the drive through!"

"Yippeekiyay, mothersmurfer!"

"There are mothersmurfing snakes on this mothersmurfing plane!"

"Shame on you old ladies! Using the lord to sell your Smurf!"

"You see what happens when you Smurf a stranger in the Smurf?"

"Stu! Stu! Your rent's due, mothersmurfer! Are you conscious? Smuuuuurf!"

"I told you kids bring me bad luck! I can't stand them! Now get the Smurf out of here before I kick your Smurf!"

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

The Jet Jaguar Theme Song

"He jock it made of steel.

Eats sushi from a pail.

Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!

He mother never really love him.

He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.

He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.

He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!

Knock, knock, knock!!

Who's there?

He face look like Jack Nicholson.

Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.

Yamahageeooooooh!

Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man!"

From the MST3K riffing of Godzilla vs. Megalon

Blind Kiyomi Bad Movie Quote

"Don't forget to remind me about the policeman's balls - I mean the police show!" 

 -Letitia Van Allen, from Myra Breckinridge

Bad Movie Quotes

"Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a window where it OUGHT to be!"

-"Joan Crawford" in Mommie Dearest

Ten Fake Lifetime Original Movie Titles

10. They Took Her Son, They Took Her Life
  9. Strip Me Deadly
  8. A Ruinous Affair
  7. Punch Drunk: The Margaret Murray Story
  6. Justifiable Homicide: He Didn’t Notice Her New Hairstyle
  5. He Listens To Me: Her Gay Friend
  4. Justifiable Homicide 2: He Left the Toilet Seat Up
  3. His Filthy Whore: A Perfect Murder
  2. Dream Come True: When Meredith Baxter Played Me on Lifetime
  1. Tonight We Kiss, Tomorrow You Die

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes

“…. Edmund wouldn’t allow a little thing like the fact that he was playing Santa Claus to stand in the way of his carousing and lechery. Edmund constantly invited the twenty-something young ladies in the cast to sit on his lap for a “special surprise” which often was his privates. He was also an enormous alcoholic who was ironically more soused than the ‘drunken Santa’ he replaces in the film. Young Natalie Wood recounted her shock at seeing ‘Santa’ taking a loose woman into his trailer…”

Totally Fake Classic Movie Anecdotes

"...The dwarfs on the set of Oz sickened Judy Garland, who often treated them as no better than the dog playing Toto. 'I can't stand these little freaks,' she often was heard saying in front of the dwarfs, 'Can't you fire them, Mr. Mayer?' Louis B. Mayer would have to remind her that the filming would be over soon. Meanwhile, she gained the hatred of the dwarfs on the set..."

Hollywood Math

Adam Sandler + Adam Sandler's Friends + Out of Work SNL Actors + juvenile humor - coherent script + Steve Buscemi = INSTANT GREENLIGHT

Blind Kiyomi MST3K Quote

Mike: John Carradine!

Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?!?!?

From the Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing of Red Zone Cuba

Blind Kiyomi Bad Movie Quote

"Good gracious, no! I'm an hour late already! 'Charity First' and all that sort of thing, you know. Besides, what can be so important in your young life as to warrant my attention so drastically?"

-Jane Parkins from The Violent Years

#firstdraftfilmtitles

#firstdraftfilmtitles

Horse Faced Lady and Her Three Slutty Friends.

Dolly Parton Runs A Whorehouse, But You Still Won’t See Her Naked Rack.

We Might As Well Just Flush The Studio’s Money Down the Toilet, Starring Dane Cook.

Two Dudes Bang Each Other On A Mountain.

Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Mike Myers Collect Another Paycheck.

Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry & Tyler Perry Star in Who Cares, This Movie Is Going To Make Money No Matter What.

Whiny Emo Who Grew Up Rich Makes An Indie Film About How Troubled His Childhood Was.

Foul Mouthed Old Ladies Are Hilarious!

Has-Beens on a Plane.

Let’s Just Blow Stuff Up, Directed By Michael Bay.

Stuck-Up College Frat Guys Get Their Comeuppance.

Whiny Emo Makes An Indie Film in Which He Gets a Date With His Dream Girl Even Though She Laughed At Him In Real Life.

#hollywoodpostitnote

#hollywoodpostitnote

Ashley Judd + Madea for “Ashley Judd Thriller” reboot?

Cute CGI Dingos + Plush Dingos in every Wal-Mart = Big Bucks. What could go wrong?

Tyler Perry’s Madea Breckinridge = $$$$!!!

Citizen Kane reboot needs more action sequences, CGI sleds….

Jar Jar and Howard the Duck’s Road Trip? Instant Green Light!

Anne Frank reboot too depressing. Could we give her CGI mice friends?

Tell Scorsese his Mother Teresa biopic MUST star Miley Cyrus and WILL have “All Star” by Smashmouth on the soundtrack!

Ask Miley Cyrus’ management if she’d be interested in starring in Janis Joplin biopic

Buy rights to remake well known movie, throw out original story and just use the old title. Profit!!

Mashup two franchises- “Golden Girls Gone Wild”

#Straight2DVD

#straight2DVD

“Driving Miss Daisy: With a Vengeance”

“Bucket List 2: Electric Boogaloo”

“Honey, I Forgot The Grandkids”

“Sandlot 3: Steroid Testing”

“National Lampoon’s Staycation”

“Retirement Home Musical”

“Cocoon 3: Anything Goes”

Bad Movie Quote

"Face...... Off!"

-Castor Troy from Face/Off

#badprequels

#badprequels

“Monsters, Sole Proprietorship”

“The Phone That Calls The Nanny Agency”

“Throw the Pregnant Lady From the Train”

“Chinahamlet”

“Honey, I’m Inventing a Machine”

“Learner’s Permit to Kill”

“Pre-Plastic Surgery Woman”

“Prince Kong”

“The Night the Lights Were Still On in Georgia.”

Blind Kiyomi MST3K quote

"This whole film looks like someone's last known photograph."

-from the MST3K riffing of Manos: The Hands of Fate

Bad Movie Quote

"I accuse my parents."

-Jimmy from  the movie I Accuse My Parents